Beginning very early in my career as a psychotherapist and continuing up to the present day, I have concluded that many people experience difficulties and strains in their emotional and relational lives due to someone trying to exert control over them. It dawns on me that it takes a height of arrogance and frankly a lack of common sense for one human being to think it is an excellent idea to dictate how someone else should be, to dominate and control them. That is not how healthy living is designed to be.
Now, it is okay for us to give each other feedback and suggestions and discuss what does and does not work; we can categorize that as having good boundaries. However, I’m talking about individuals who insist that there’s a mold they’ve designed and want you to fit into it as they say it should be.
Early on, I coined a term I like to use: “imperative thinking” or “imperative communication,” which describes how these controlling people communicate with you. Think about how often you hear phrases like “You have to,” “You must,” “You should,” “You’re supposed to,” “You better,” “You can’t,” and “You’ve got to.” These are their favorite phrases, used repeatedly, and you may find yourself caught up in them, either throwing them back in reverse or internalizing them. All of this denotes that one person is trying to control another.
When you consider the emotional duress—anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, and everything that accompanies it—you realize that this is not a healthy way to live. Then I want you to think about what would happen if you decided, “You know what? I’m not going to do that anymore.” These narcissistic individuals who feel entitled and self-important may continue thinking that way, but I refuse to be controlled by them.
What would that be like if you declared that out loud or through your actions? I can promise you that once the narcissist becomes aware of this, they won’t compliment you or pat you on the back. Instead, you may be labeled as “ingrate,” told that you’re being rebellious, or that you’re not an enlightened person or a team player, or simply viewed as some sort of outlier or non-conformist. But basically, what you would be saying is, “All I want is to be free. I want my sense of peace and for my common sense to guide my life.
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