Is that such a bad thing to declare? If you do declare it, keep in mind that sometimes, after doing so, the controller may come back with a vengeance. You might feel defeated or feel the need to plead your case repeatedly to gain their approval. Sometimes, you may hide your desire to be free and feel like you have to sneak away to just be yourself.
What if we decided, “I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t want to be controlled, which means I will establish who I am”? This implies a couple of things that I hope you will continuously refine in your own life. First, I hope you are constantly examining what your well-conceived ideas of a good life consist of—the values, principles, and standards by which you want to live, as well as the healthy ways you want to manage your emotions.
Second, I hope you can apply your thinking to specific circumstances, giving you a clear idea of what a good life looks like. When you know you have a reasonable way of living and you assert, “Please stop controlling me,” you’re actually making a solid combination of thoughts.
Some folks may approach this with defiance, trying to go into a counter-control mode, but that’s not what we’re talking about. What you’re saying is, “I have figured out what a healthy life requires, and it doesn’t include all this controlling behavior. Therefore, I’m not playing that game with any narcissist or anyone else.”
They will not respond by saying, “How can we coordinate better?” Instead, be prepared for various reactions from the narcissistic person when you assert your desire not to be controlled anymore. They might bully you, making you regret the day you decided to resist them. They will argue incessantly and ask loaded questions, trying to wear you down.
You might wonder if you should engage with them when that happens. I hope not. They may complain about you to people who matter to you, trying to shame you, revealing intimate details you shared with them, or distorting past mistakes. They might openly lie about things you haven’t done. Often, nothing will stop them from such behavior.
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