Beginning very early in my career as a psychotherapist and continuing up to the present day, I have concluded that many people experience difficulties and strains in their emotional and relational lives due to someone trying to exert control over them. It dawns on me that it takes a height of arrogance and frankly a lack of common sense for one human being to think it is an excellent idea to dictate how someone else should be, to dominate and control them. That is not how healthy living is designed to be.
Now, it is okay for us to give each other feedback and suggestions and discuss what does and does not work; we can categorize that as having good boundaries. However, I’m talking about individuals who insist that there’s a mold they’ve designed and want you to fit into it as they say it should be.
Early on, I coined a term I like to use: “imperative thinking” or “imperative communication,” which describes how these controlling people communicate with you. Think about how often you hear phrases like “You have to,” “You must,” “You should,” “You’re supposed to,” “You better,” “You can’t,” and “You’ve got to.” These are their favorite phrases, used repeatedly, and you may find yourself caught up in them, either throwing them back in reverse or internalizing them. All of this denotes that one person is trying to control another.
When you consider the emotional duress—anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, and everything that accompanies it—you realize that this is not a healthy way to live. Then I want you to think about what would happen if you decided, “You know what? I’m not going to do that anymore.” These narcissistic individuals who feel entitled and self-important may continue thinking that way, but I refuse to be controlled by them.
What would that be like if you declared that out loud or through your actions? I can promise you that once the narcissist becomes aware of this, they won’t compliment you or pat you on the back. Instead, you may be labeled as “ingrate,” told that you’re being rebellious, or that you’re not an enlightened person or a team player, or simply viewed as some sort of outlier or non-conformist. But basically, what you would be saying is, “All I want is to be free. I want my sense of peace and for my common sense to guide my life.
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Is that such a bad thing to declare? If you do declare it, keep in mind that sometimes, after doing so, the controller may come back with a vengeance. You might feel defeated or feel the need to plead your case repeatedly to gain their approval. Sometimes, you may hide your desire to be free and feel like you have to sneak away to just be yourself.
What if we decided, “I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t want to be controlled, which means I will establish who I am”? This implies a couple of things that I hope you will continuously refine in your own life. First, I hope you are constantly examining what your well-conceived ideas of a good life consist of—the values, principles, and standards by which you want to live, as well as the healthy ways you want to manage your emotions.
Second, I hope you can apply your thinking to specific circumstances, giving you a clear idea of what a good life looks like. When you know you have a reasonable way of living and you assert, “Please stop controlling me,” you’re actually making a solid combination of thoughts.
Some folks may approach this with defiance, trying to go into a counter-control mode, but that’s not what we’re talking about. What you’re saying is, “I have figured out what a healthy life requires, and it doesn’t include all this controlling behavior. Therefore, I’m not playing that game with any narcissist or anyone else.”
They will not respond by saying, “How can we coordinate better?” Instead, be prepared for various reactions from the narcissistic person when you assert your desire not to be controlled anymore. They might bully you, making you regret the day you decided to resist them. They will argue incessantly and ask loaded questions, trying to wear you down.
You might wonder if you should engage with them when that happens. I hope not. They may complain about you to people who matter to you, trying to shame you, revealing intimate details you shared with them, or distorting past mistakes. They might openly lie about things you haven’t done. Often, nothing will stop them from such behavior.
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They could accuse you of being crazy or claim you’ve lied to them repeatedly. You might respond, “I’ve been dishonest with you because I tried to let you know that I’m okay with your controlling ways, but I’m not.” They might express what we refer to as “narcissistic rage,” characterized by shouting and uncontrollable anger, or they may resort to deep, pervasive passive-aggressiveness, becoming uncooperative and withdrawing completely.
They will certainly deny any wrongdoing on their part, and when they enter heavy denial, we call that lying. They will not be honest about who they are and what they’ve done with you. They may retract compliments they once gave you; I remember one woman telling me that her husband, who used to call her pretty, later said he had only said that to “prop her up” and that he didn’t think she was attractive.
They can sulk, retreat, or disappear, even while still talking glowingly about themselves. Whenever they exhibit such behaviors, it further legitimizes your assertion that you refuse to be controlled by someone who behaves this way.
When they come at you with controlling tactics, I hope you can anchor yourself in certain core beliefs. For instance, my desire not to be controlled is mainstream; it’s not a weird thought. It makes no sense for me to lose myself to someone who is self-absorbed, and it also makes no sense to lose myself to someone who becomes emotionally unhinged simply because I don’t fit their mold.
Simply put, I want to be respected. I want to be treated with dignity. No apologies for that. I am weary of defending things that require no defense in the first place. I am tired of apologizing for things that don’t require an apology. I am a person of good character—enough said.
I like how I prioritize my life’s responsibilities, and if you want to complain about my free choices, I will listen and then make adjustments according to what makes sense to me. I know that when I assert my own identity, it can make you feel angry and unsettled. That tells me we weren’t a good fit. Why would we need a relationship where you’re chronically angry at someone like me?
While I don’t like your retaliatory measures, they motivate me to claim my freedom even more. I don’t need to filter my life through someone who feels the need to oppose me simply because I want to be myself. Change can be good, and I’m ready for change.
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I hope you will declare, “I’m not going to be controlled by that narcissist anymore.” They will reveal their pathology—that’s a virtual guarantee. When they do, recognize that their breakdown is a commentary on who they are, not you. It highlights their insecurities and distorted thinking, indicating that they are troubled souls. This underscores even more that I don’t need to let such a person control me.
Let’s hold on to one crucial thought: it is necessary—not just good, but necessary—for you to be yourself. When you assert, “I’m not going to let someone control me,” hold on to that thought, move forward, and don’t look back.
Remember, you don’t need to be controlled by someone else. You’re not the best version of yourself when that happens. As you hold on to that thought and everything that comes with it, I hope you find your place of consistency, steadiness, and most importantly, peace.
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