They could accuse you of being crazy or claim you’ve lied to them repeatedly. You might respond, “I’ve been dishonest with you because I tried to let you know that I’m okay with your controlling ways, but I’m not.” They might express what we refer to as “narcissistic rage,” characterized by shouting and uncontrollable anger, or they may resort to deep, pervasive passive-aggressiveness, becoming uncooperative and withdrawing completely.
They will certainly deny any wrongdoing on their part, and when they enter heavy denial, we call that lying. They will not be honest about who they are and what they’ve done with you. They may retract compliments they once gave you; I remember one woman telling me that her husband, who used to call her pretty, later said he had only said that to “prop her up” and that he didn’t think she was attractive.
They can sulk, retreat, or disappear, even while still talking glowingly about themselves. Whenever they exhibit such behaviors, it further legitimizes your assertion that you refuse to be controlled by someone who behaves this way.
When they come at you with controlling tactics, I hope you can anchor yourself in certain core beliefs. For instance, my desire not to be controlled is mainstream; it’s not a weird thought. It makes no sense for me to lose myself to someone who is self-absorbed, and it also makes no sense to lose myself to someone who becomes emotionally unhinged simply because I don’t fit their mold.
Simply put, I want to be respected. I want to be treated with dignity. No apologies for that. I am weary of defending things that require no defense in the first place. I am tired of apologizing for things that don’t require an apology. I am a person of good character—enough said.
I like how I prioritize my life’s responsibilities, and if you want to complain about my free choices, I will listen and then make adjustments according to what makes sense to me. I know that when I assert my own identity, it can make you feel angry and unsettled. That tells me we weren’t a good fit. Why would we need a relationship where you’re chronically angry at someone like me?
While I don’t like your retaliatory measures, they motivate me to claim my freedom even more. I don’t need to filter my life through someone who feels the need to oppose me simply because I want to be myself. Change can be good, and I’m ready for change.
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