Now let’s discuss how covert narcissists convince their partner or spouse that their cheating is entirely the other person’s fault. They possess a fascinating ability to manipulate, blame-shift, and guilt-trip others—this is truly the covert narcissist’s specialty. For example, if a wife catches her husband, who she has been married to for 20 years, having an affair, the covert narcissist may put all the blame on the mistress to the extent that the wife believes it.
How do they do this? First of all, remember that the covert narcissist fears exposure. They deeply care about their reputation and maintaining the facade of being a good, moral, decent human being. They do not want to take the fall for their actions or be exposed for who they truly are. Therefore, it makes sense for them to shift all accountability onto the other person. Because they have maintained this good person facade so well, it is easy for others to fall into the trap of believing that it isn’t their fault—that it isn’t their true character—and that the other person must have done something terrible to convince them to cheat.
The narcissist is staring down the possibility of losing a primary source of narcissistic supply—you—and being exposed for who they truly are. So, of course, they will lie and manipulate your perception of them to serve their own interests. The last thing they want is to lose you, be exposed, and have to take accountability for their horrible behaviors. The truth is not in these people; they lie about things that don’t even matter, so you can bet they will lie their heads off when so much is at stake for them.
You should also be aware that they will often manipulate your empathetic qualities to further confuse you and make you feel guilty or even somewhat accountable for their transgressions. I have seen this happen time and time again: a narcissist cheats, and by the time everything is said and done, the victim takes accountability for the affair. That is how skilled these people are. They will say all kinds of things to induce this feeling in you. For example, they might say, “You didn’t make me feel loved the way I needed,” or “You weren’t giving me enough attention or sex; therefore, it’s your fault.” They might also say, “I can’t believe that you would actually think this is my fault. You know what kind of person I truly am. I would have never done something like this unless she—meaning the other woman—tricked and manipulated me.
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