Today we are talking all about covert narcissists and cheating: why do they do it, and how do they manage to successfully blame the other party for the entire affair when, and if, caught to the point that we sometimes believe them?
Covert vulnerable narcissists are sneaky. Oftentimes, it’s much more difficult to discover and understand how a covert narcissist operates because overt narcissists are so bold and open about their entitlement and superiority issues. Covert narcissists don’t publicize their desires; they are very careful about managing their public persona. They are concerned about their reputation and usually want to give the impression that they are good, moral, and decent human beings. However, at the heart of who they are, whether covert or overt, their core traits are the same.
Although their strategies may look very different and their reasoning may be confusing, both types truly think and feel similarly. When trying to figure out the behaviors of a covert narcissist, it’s best to define what we know to be true about narcissists in general. Because coverts are so manipulative, secretive, and careful about hiding who they actually are, it’s important to lay out the facts about narcissists and then connect the dots with how the covert behaviors match these core traits and why they can so easily manipulate us into thinking differently.
So, what do we know to be true about all narcissists? First and foremost, the most important thing in the world to them is obtaining narcissistic supply. They believe they are special and deserving of being treated as such. They are entitled, lack empathy, and are exploitative—the three E’s: entitled, lacking empathy, and exploitative. While an overt narcissist will be open about these behaviors, a covert will not. This is why you will always hear me say that you can never trust a narcissist’s words, whether overt or covert; you can and should only judge them based on patterns of behavior.
What else do we know about narcissists? They are pathological liars. If you find yourself confused by their words, this is why: nothing that comes out of their mouths should be viewed as a source of truth or honesty. Beyond blatant lying, they also gaslight, blame-shift, project, deflect, and use many other psychologically abusive tactics. My first tip here is that if you ever want to understand anything factual, honest, or truthful when it comes to a narcissist, you must base your judgments solely on patterns of behavior. Their words mean absolutely nothing and are usually outright lies or psychological manipulations.
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Many people who have had long-term relationships with a covert narcissist don’t realize the extent of their behaviors because they are so sneaky and proficient at covering their tracks. They maintain a facade of being a good person, good citizen, and often a good Christian. However, their facade is very well-crafted; they seem to walk the walk—”seem” being the operative word. They appear to be many things that they actually are not.
You must remember that a narcissist’s biggest fear is exposure, and this goes double for the covert narcissist. Covert narcissists will go out of their way to give the impression that they are good people. So, why do covert narcissists cheat? Because they believe they are entitled to do so. They lack empathy for the person they are cheating on, and the impact of their actions on that person is minimal to nonexistent. They are exploitative, and when given the opportunity to take advantage of a situation where they believe they can have an affair, they will do so without hesitation.
Remember, they believe they are special, and covert narcissists, in particular, feel underappreciated, undervalued, and unacknowledged for their uniqueness. They feel slighted by life and believe they are owed much more than they have ever received. When another person enters the picture, it feeds their need for narcissistic supply. If they have been married and playing by the rules for a long time, and something presents itself that validates their beliefs of superiority, they will likely cheat without a second thought.
They gain fuel from the triangulation between their partner and the other person, which also provides them with significant narcissistic supply. They are so consumed by the need for supply and the belief that they are special and underappreciated that when an opportunity arises, they will jump on it. Unfortunately, they can do this easily because they lack empathy and believe they are entitled to do so.
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Now let’s discuss how covert narcissists convince their partner or spouse that their cheating is entirely the other person’s fault. They possess a fascinating ability to manipulate, blame-shift, and guilt-trip others—this is truly the covert narcissist’s specialty. For example, if a wife catches her husband, who she has been married to for 20 years, having an affair, the covert narcissist may put all the blame on the mistress to the extent that the wife believes it.
How do they do this? First of all, remember that the covert narcissist fears exposure. They deeply care about their reputation and maintaining the facade of being a good, moral, decent human being. They do not want to take the fall for their actions or be exposed for who they truly are. Therefore, it makes sense for them to shift all accountability onto the other person. Because they have maintained this good person facade so well, it is easy for others to fall into the trap of believing that it isn’t their fault—that it isn’t their true character—and that the other person must have done something terrible to convince them to cheat.
The narcissist is staring down the possibility of losing a primary source of narcissistic supply—you—and being exposed for who they truly are. So, of course, they will lie and manipulate your perception of them to serve their own interests. The last thing they want is to lose you, be exposed, and have to take accountability for their horrible behaviors. The truth is not in these people; they lie about things that don’t even matter, so you can bet they will lie their heads off when so much is at stake for them.
You should also be aware that they will often manipulate your empathetic qualities to further confuse you and make you feel guilty or even somewhat accountable for their transgressions. I have seen this happen time and time again: a narcissist cheats, and by the time everything is said and done, the victim takes accountability for the affair. That is how skilled these people are. They will say all kinds of things to induce this feeling in you. For example, they might say, “You didn’t make me feel loved the way I needed,” or “You weren’t giving me enough attention or sex; therefore, it’s your fault.” They might also say, “I can’t believe that you would actually think this is my fault. You know what kind of person I truly am. I would have never done something like this unless she—meaning the other woman—tricked and manipulated me.
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They play dirty on our core personality traits: our empathy, compassion, generosity, kindness, and naivety. They know that we don’t think like they do. We are searching for answers beyond the simple truth, which is that they are selfish and entitled and did it because they could, without caring about how it affects anyone else. They only care that they got caught. They also know that this mindset is foreign to people like us, which makes it even easier for them to manipulate us.
The other part of how they get us to believe these lies is probably the biggest one: we desperately want to believe the lie. Deep down, somewhere in our gut, we know the truth, but we don’t want to believe it. We really do love the narcissist and cannot imagine doing to them what they have done to us. Believing the lies that it’s the other person’s fault keeps us from dealing with the reality and the inevitable cognitive dissonance we are likely experiencing upon learning of their infidelity.
Cognitive dissonance is a stressful and uncomfortable state of mind that the mind and body do not enjoy. We desperately want to reconcile those thoughts, and believing their lies is the easiest route to relieve that discomfort. Also, don’t forget that you are in a trauma-bonded relationship; this isn’t a normal love relationship, which is another huge factor to consider when trying to comprehend how this happened. You have a physiological addiction to this person. Trauma bonds are like drug addictions, and when confronted with infidelity, your cognitive dissonance and trauma bond kick into high gear to save and solve the situation, often subconsciously.
All of these factors contribute to how they were able to convince us of their version of reality. It is a combination of their manipulations and our own desire not to accept the truth.
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