They play dirty on our core personality traits: our empathy, compassion, generosity, kindness, and naivety. They know that we don’t think like they do. We are searching for answers beyond the simple truth, which is that they are selfish and entitled and did it because they could, without caring about how it affects anyone else. They only care that they got caught. They also know that this mindset is foreign to people like us, which makes it even easier for them to manipulate us.
The other part of how they get us to believe these lies is probably the biggest one: we desperately want to believe the lie. Deep down, somewhere in our gut, we know the truth, but we don’t want to believe it. We really do love the narcissist and cannot imagine doing to them what they have done to us. Believing the lies that it’s the other person’s fault keeps us from dealing with the reality and the inevitable cognitive dissonance we are likely experiencing upon learning of their infidelity.
Cognitive dissonance is a stressful and uncomfortable state of mind that the mind and body do not enjoy. We desperately want to reconcile those thoughts, and believing their lies is the easiest route to relieve that discomfort. Also, don’t forget that you are in a trauma-bonded relationship; this isn’t a normal love relationship, which is another huge factor to consider when trying to comprehend how this happened. You have a physiological addiction to this person. Trauma bonds are like drug addictions, and when confronted with infidelity, your cognitive dissonance and trauma bond kick into high gear to save and solve the situation, often subconsciously.
All of these factors contribute to how they were able to convince us of their version of reality. It is a combination of their manipulations and our own desire not to accept the truth.
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