When it becomes clear that you aren’t going to simply roll over and be so easy to manipulate, dominate, deceive, gaslight, or control—when you’re not playing along, or if you dare to speak up for yourself—you and your intelligence will be insulted through gaslighting statements such as, “It’s not all about you,” “There you go again imagining things as usual,” or “You always ruin everything. Why do you have to be so hard to get along with?” If they think they can get away with it, they’ll attempt to insult you indirectly by saying something like, “You’re just like so-and-so,” usually someone they don’t like or respect very much, or “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” as if who you are isn’t good enough.
Either way, the message is clear: who you are is the problem—always and forever, according to a narcissistic family. Narcissistic family members often use manipulative and demeaning language to control and hurt one specific target, frequently making statements that are absolutely intended to invalidate your feelings or, better yet, make you feel worthless. Again, if they can get away with it.
Some common examples of these insults include: “Shame on you,” “No one else would even put up with you,” “I can’t believe how utterly useless you are,” or simply, “You’re a loser,” “You’re worthless,” or “You’re lucky to have me in your life.” And when they can’t control you, you’ll hear things like, “After everything I’ve done for you,” in other words, “You owe me,” or “You’d be nothing if it weren’t for me.”
Now, here’s the thing, friends: the BS line that often pops up in sick and dysfunctional family systems that gives narcissistic perpetrators a pass is this: “Oh, he or she didn’t mean it.” Um, yeah, actually, they did. They’re adults and are fully responsible for the words that come out of their mouths. Another line you’ll often hear in a dysfunctional family system is, “You know, we often hurt the ones we love the most.” Um, actually, no. I call BS on this one. Although I’m all about tough love and the reality is that sometimes the truth does hurt—that’s true—loving, supportive families do not make a habit of deliberately doing and saying hurtful things often to one specific target as a means of manipulating, controlling, dominating, and scapegoating that one specific person in the family.
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