Let’s talk about the kind of insults you’ll commonly hear in a narcissistic family. To begin with, not all insults are created equal, nor do all insults have the same intended impact or desired effect. In narcissistic families, you’ll often hear passive-aggressive insults and not-so-subtle digs that are simply meant to keep you and your self-esteem in line. Although these may seem relatively harmless in the moment, the truth is they absolutely undermine and erode your self-worth over time.
You’ll also hear insults that are intended to guilt and shame you, as well as insults that are more direct and obvious in their contempt. Then there are the insults that are flat-out emotional violence. These insults are deliberately intended to attack who you are at a core fundamental level and completely annihilate any sense of self-worth you might otherwise have. The insult’s power lies in the tone with which it’s delivered, the knowing look—we all know that look—and the inference being made by the derogatory comment or question being asked. No matter what the comment or question is, the inference is always the same: you are the issue, the problem. You are not okay, and something is clearly very wrong with you. That’s the message they want to send.
The thing to know about this is that narcissistic family members use words as weapons to manipulate, dominate, and control you—controlling what you think, what you do, and how you perceive and feel about yourself. These weaponized words are also used to gaslight you into believing that you’re someone you’re not and to convince you that the narcissist isn’t who they are clearly showing themselves to be by virtue of their behavior. Remember, narcissists are liars. They will lie to you and about you all day long, so it’s important that you keep this in mind and consider the source when a narcissistic person is coming at you with passive-aggressive digs disguised as humor or anything else they might say.
So, with all of that said, what kind of insults do you hear in a narcissistic family? The moment you have a legitimate feeling or response to something unkind, manipulative, or cruel, you’ll be accused of being far too sensitive and told that you are the issue because you always overreact and simply cannot take a joke. This insults your feelings, your experience, your perception of reality, and your ability to navigate relationships.
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When it becomes clear that you aren’t going to simply roll over and be so easy to manipulate, dominate, deceive, gaslight, or control—when you’re not playing along, or if you dare to speak up for yourself—you and your intelligence will be insulted through gaslighting statements such as, “It’s not all about you,” “There you go again imagining things as usual,” or “You always ruin everything. Why do you have to be so hard to get along with?” If they think they can get away with it, they’ll attempt to insult you indirectly by saying something like, “You’re just like so-and-so,” usually someone they don’t like or respect very much, or “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” as if who you are isn’t good enough.
Either way, the message is clear: who you are is the problem—always and forever, according to a narcissistic family. Narcissistic family members often use manipulative and demeaning language to control and hurt one specific target, frequently making statements that are absolutely intended to invalidate your feelings or, better yet, make you feel worthless. Again, if they can get away with it.
Some common examples of these insults include: “Shame on you,” “No one else would even put up with you,” “I can’t believe how utterly useless you are,” or simply, “You’re a loser,” “You’re worthless,” or “You’re lucky to have me in your life.” And when they can’t control you, you’ll hear things like, “After everything I’ve done for you,” in other words, “You owe me,” or “You’d be nothing if it weren’t for me.”
Now, here’s the thing, friends: the BS line that often pops up in sick and dysfunctional family systems that gives narcissistic perpetrators a pass is this: “Oh, he or she didn’t mean it.” Um, yeah, actually, they did. They’re adults and are fully responsible for the words that come out of their mouths. Another line you’ll often hear in a dysfunctional family system is, “You know, we often hurt the ones we love the most.” Um, actually, no. I call BS on this one. Although I’m all about tough love and the reality is that sometimes the truth does hurt—that’s true—loving, supportive families do not make a habit of deliberately doing and saying hurtful things often to one specific target as a means of manipulating, controlling, dominating, and scapegoating that one specific person in the family.
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Healthy relationships include healthy limits and boundaries, even in your family—especially in your family. People who feel entitled to hurt you, not least by insulting you, are unsafe and hurtful people who themselves lack fundamental limits and boundaries. So it may be up to you to be the one in the relationship dynamic who has to set the boundaries. But it’s even more insidious than that: if you’re the target of family insults—in other words, if you’re the family scapegoat—every little thing you do, every little thing you say, every little thing about you will be looked down upon. Others in the family system can do and say the same or worse, and they’ll be applauded. You, however, if you’re the target, can do absolutely nothing right while everyone else does no wrong. It’s crazy-making stuff, but this is exactly how it goes in narcissistic families.
Now, other manipulative insults you’ll hear include things like, “You’re such a disappointment,” “You’re so selfish,” “Why do you have to be so difficult?” “You’re so hard to love,” “Oh my God, you’re so stupid,” “No one cares what you think,” or “You’ll never be good enough.”
Needless to say, if you heard any of these things growing up as a child, they left their mark. If you have healing work to do around the past or present experiences that you’re having with your family, it’s time now. No one has the right to diminish and demean you, your abilities, your preferences, your opinion, or your appearance—no matter who they are. Anyone who uses name-calling, targets your vulnerabilities, and/or uses your disclosures as ammunition against you is not a safe person—again, no matter who they are.
So what do you do? Well, first of all, recognize that people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism project a lot. This means they will often accuse you of doing and being the exact things that they themselves have done, are doing, and are in fact being. So know that upfront: whatever they’re saying may very well have absolutely nothing to do with you. It really is all about them; it’s confession through projection, friends. They are fully talking about themselves when they’re coming at you, whether they realize it or not. More often than not, that is exactly what’s going on.
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Now, what is about you is the degree to which what they have to say lands and the degree to which you are willing to stand still in a relationship—any relationship—where someone feels entitled to target and hurt you in this way. That is your stuff. So ask yourself: if this never changes, what do you need to do to be happy and at peace? And then do that. You deserve healthy relationships, and healthy relationships do not include insults.
As I said earlier, being on the receiving end of insults like this will absolutely erode your self-esteem over time. Exposure to people who feel entitled to target you will have an effect, and not a good one. So start by learning how to set healthy limits and boundaries.
One way or another, you are going to have to figure out a way to get the message across: insulting me is not okay, and it’s not going to fly. Decide today that you are worthy and deserving of healthy relationships. Do your personal healing and recovery work so you can actually become a match for much better in your life, and then go out and create better for yourself—without the petty jabs, constant criticism, invalidation, and projection that your narcissistic family members feel entitled to hit you with. Do what you need to do to take care of you. Again, you deserve at least that and so much more.
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