Do you know the real reason why narcissists feel so justified in being vengeful, punitive, and angry towards you? Because they feel robbed. They feel duped and betrayed by you, even though that is not the truth. They believe you have deceived them in the most unimaginable ways possible.
The topic for today’s episode is “Five Ways a Narcissist Feels You Have Duped Them.” I’m going to share a lot of personal experiences, so stay until the very end, as you are going to understand how a narcissist thinks, views the relationship, and why it is purely transactional.
Failed Investment: The Narcissist’s Perspective
Number one: the narcissist sees you as a failed investment. What does that mean? It means that every penny the narcissist spent on you was spent with the intention of getting back returns plus interest—10 times their investment. You see, they do not spend on their children, spouse, or anyone who is really close to them with an open heart. They don’t do it because they’re supposed to; that’s what you do with the money you earn to make your life and others’ lives easier. They spend it because they have a plan for you.
Let’s say they love-bombed you, bought you lavish gifts, and spent money on dates. Their idea of return was that once you were in the relationship, they were going to financially abuse you and take every penny back, plus the money you worked so hard for. That is their selfish interest. But when you say no, when you set boundaries, and when the time comes in the relationship that you declare, “I’m not going to let you financially abuse me, use me, and treat me like trash,” that is when you become a big disappointment—like I did for my narcissistic father.
There came a time in my life when my father spent money on my college education, the same person who would not even spend a dime to get me some shoes or clothes. He was a miser who always loved to hold onto money, earn it, but hide it from us. Then he started spending thousands on my education, which made me feel guilty. One day, I asked him, “Don’t you feel bad for spending this money on me?” With a smirk on his face, he replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s like I’m giving you a loan; I’m going to get it back with interest. You are like my bank account; I’m putting money in it because whatever I put in, I’m going to get it back.”
At that time, I felt seen and approved, but I could not understand the depth of the financial evil he was plotting for me. Looking back, I realize he meant every word. Later on, during our final fight, he said to me, “I wish I had spent that money on prostitution rather than on you. At least I would’ve enjoyed it.” Can you imagine? Do you understand how that brain works? My leaving and creating my own life, establishing my own financial freedom was his entrapment. It was a failure for him because I was supposed to work hard, earn money, and hand it over to him. He would then have the power to distribute my earned money and decide what to do with it. That was his expectation, and because I did not live up to that, I robbed him of that freedom.
Standing Tall: Reclaiming Your Power
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Number two: when you stop suffering, stop caving in, and stop being subservient, and you stand tall for yourself, you set non-negotiables for yourself and operate from an authentic place. That is when they feel duped. But why? The expectation is that you should always live under their thumb. You should let them puppeteer you and dictate how your life goes—career-wise, relationship-wise, and in all other ways.
But when you stand tall, take your power back, reclaim your life, and say, “No, I am individuating. I’m not going to play the game in the name of maintaining this relationship. I am going to do what I think is right for me,” that is when they feel duped. They’ll tell you, “Oh, that’s wrong; it’s going to get you nowhere. Very soon, a time will come in your life when you’ll feel helpless and come begging to me. But when that happens, I
won’t be here to help you.” These are the exact words my mother used to tell me every single time I set some boundaries or did what I believed was right for me.
Let me tell you this: that time never came in my life when I recognized, “Oh, my mother was right, and I made a big mistake. I now need her help.” That never happened. She terrorized me intentionally because she wanted me to be a failure. When you stop being a failure, when you go against that grooming, that brainwashing, that programming you were subjected to, when you rewire your brain and take total control back of your life, your choices, and everything that happens in your life, you become the center of it. You become a disappointment to them. They feel deceived, their expectations unmet, and they see you as a significant betrayer.
Defying the Narcissist’s Image
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Number three: when you do not comply with their demands, when you do not enable their image as a partner or as the child of a narcissist, you are seen as an extension. You have only one role to play in their life: to enable their narcissistic image, the facade they project to the world. When you refrain from playing a part in maintaining that facade, when you call out that deception and expose them, when you speak the truth to the people who matter most to them, you become anti-narcissist. You become the black sheep, the scapegoat, ostracized and cast out as a rebel, seen as the enemy of the narcissistic family system.
Every person who caters to them, who kisses up to them, gets the premium supply back or is temporarily placed on a pedestal. But when you remain true to yourself and recognize fake for what it is, that is when you become the light bearer, the torch bearers, the cycle breaker—and they will attack you. Like a pack of wolves, they come after your life, showing no concern for how it impacts you. Your own siblings, your partner, even your parents may turn against you, rallying many people on their side as they run a massive revenge campaign against you. The reason: “Oh, they’ve just turned out to be a disobedient child,” or “This partner of mine, I can’t tell you how destructive they are by nature. Look what they did to me. Look what they did to my life.” That is the narrative they spread.
Finding Support and Moving On
Number four: when you find a reliable support system, whether it be a new partner or a supportive friend as a child of a narcissistic parent, they feel duped. They feel deceived and, most importantly, they feel replaced. How will they uphold their position in your life if they self-gaslight and believe they are the most important person? Without their presence or involvement in your life, they think everything will fall apart. But when they see you moving on with a healthy person, when you find a partner and your choice is not influenced at all by your narcissistic parent or partner, and you are treated well and supported, they see you grow. That is when they actually feel a lot of shame, but they process it as your betrayal.
“Oh yeah, we know you have so-and-so in your life now. You don’t need us, do you?” This is exactly what my narcissistic mother did when I found a support system outside my narcissistic family. The people who were trying to uplift me and support me were devalued in the worst way possible. My mother arrogantly said that the person who doesn’t even deserve to be my footwear is the top priority in my life. “What a disappointment you are. What a failure of a son you are.” Then she would claim, “Oh, I said that out of rage; I did not mean it.” Of course, she knows her tricks; she is a covert narcissist. But that was a significant confession. That is how they see it when they are replaced.
When you move on in your life, when you grow, when your health improves, and when these individuals do not take advantage of you, do not use you as a doormat, and do not trample over you, that is when the narcissist feels they have done something wrong.
Breaking the Family Curse
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Number five, and the last point: when you break the family curse. My father continued the cycle exactly as his father did—being abusive, malicious, vengeful, disconnected, cruel, cunning, and a total psychopath to his family and others. He created a minion. My grandfather and my father never stood up and asked themselves, “Am I doing the right thing? How are my choices impacting my family? How am I being present in my child’s life? What will this lead to?” They believed they would have control over their children’s lives for eternity. But God had different plans for me.
So when you go against that devil, when you undo his plans, when you destroy his monstrosity through your actions, through healing your wounds, and through overcoming your generational trauma, that is when you deliver a significant narcissistic injury. The “devil” in your life refers to the narcissistic family system you came from or the narcissistic partner who wanted you emotionally dead, who wanted you to suffer eternally.
When you create your own family—and that family is vastly different in dynamics from the one you were raised in—that is when they feel duped. They see you as a successful individual. If you treat your partner with kindness and respect, rather than following the abusive pattern they instilled in you, they feel invalidated. However, when you make different choices—positive, healthy choices occurring right in front of their eyes—they cannot manipulate or brainwash you anymore. They cannot gaslight you into thinking, “Oh, you are making a mistake,” or “You are giving too much importance to this other person, to your children, or even to yourself.”
That is when they feel truly defeated, duped, betrayed, neglected, and abandoned—but for good.
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