I Was Wrong About Narcissism

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I’ve been wrong all along about one aspect of narcissism. If I ask you what the most dangerous type of narcissist you can ever deal with is, you will likely answer, “Oh, obviously a covert narcissist.” Unfortunately, we are mistaken. The most dangerous type of narcissist is a borderline vulnerable narcissist. It dawned on me recently.

The universe has been sending people into my life—victims of this type of narcissist—again and again for me to realize that this entity is out there, roaming in the wild. Nobody talks about them because when you encounter such a person, it will take you a long time to recognize their pathology and the demonic aspect of their personality. They can appear noble and kind, and most importantly, they are very sensitive and attuned.

Understanding Covert Narcissists

Let’s lay the foundation of this episode by understanding the differences between a covert narcissist and a borderline narcissist, and then we will bring them together. A covert narcissist, as you already know, is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They seem kind, sweet, charming, and victim-like. When you deal with them, you feel like you’ve met the most humble person in your entire life. However, their grandiosity and arrogance remain unchanged. They can be as abusive as an overt narcissist, or even more so, because they are stealthy in their approach. They bring you down, leaving you wondering, “What just happened to me?”

Borderline Vulnerable Narcissists: Empathy and Splitting

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A borderline is very different from a typical narcissist. What makes them different? Their empathy. Yes, a borderline can experience empathy and show it towards you. But the problem is that they split. They may choose you as their favorite person, putting you on a pedestal and literally worshiping you. Their form of idealization is the most intense kind of love ever known to exist. However, when the same borderline devalues you, they become a secondary psychopath. They can become vindictive and punitive, stooping to any level to destroy you, which a typical narcissist may not do.

A borderline is heavily emotionally dysregulated and may struggle with self-harm issues. The most important sign you’re dealing with a borderline is their abandonment issues. They have an extreme sensitivity to abandonment and do not want to be abandoned at all. That’s why they walk on eggshells around you. They may be manipulative and exploitative, and they can be Machiavellian, though not to the same degree as a narcissist.

The Comorbidity: Narcissism and Borderline Personality Combined

So what happens when these two traits are found in a single person? A comorbidity. Someone who is both a narcissist and a borderline is the worst type of person you can ever deal with, given how they function.

Recognizing the Borderline Vulnerable Narcissist

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When you meet this type of narcissist, they can be extremely vulnerable to approach. First of all, they’ll pretend to be a victim of their circumstances—”Oh, my ex-wife,” or “Oh, my parents.” They will have many complaints, similar to a typical covert narcissist. But what sets them apart is how they focus on you. They will talk to you, make you their favorite person, put you on a pedestal, and listen to you—even though it’s self-absorbed listening.

When a plain narcissist gives you gifts, they are superficial. They might buy you a nice phone, a great car, or a house, but there is no emotional meaning associated with the act. However, when a borderline narcissist targets you in a predatory way, they will do simple things for you that feel ritualistic. It seems like a romance of a different kind, as if two parts of a single soul live in two bodies.

I’ve heard examples like, “Oh, we used to brush with the same toothbrush.” I know that sounds gross, but you see how they make it feel intimate? They want you to listen to their heartbeat and be close to them, making you feel seen and heard. They will promise you a world, and unfortunately, they will deliver some of it. They will show up and provide some level of consistency.

The Dangerous Cycle of Manipulation

But what makes it so dangerous? Their splitting nature. They want you to play a special role in their life as a fixer. You have to give them supply. Because they are both a borderline and a narcissist, they will not show any empathy towards your pain. The moment you bring up your needs or talk about what they promised in the beginning, they will turn cold and disconnected. You will be left thinking, “What just happened? I thought we were together.”

They might say, “I just want to be friends,” or “I don’t want to do anything with you at all.” If they were just a borderline, they might simply block you and move on. But because it’s a vulnerable borderline narcissist, they will want to keep you in their life for obvious reasons—you are meeting some of their needs and providing them with supply.

Real-Life Example: The Borderline Vulnerable Narcissist

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Let’s say you meet a borderline vulnerable narcissist, and they come to you complaining, “Oh, my life is a mess because I can’t make it work with my wife, and our intimacy is nonexistent.” You show empathy, and they guilt-trip you, crying about their circumstances. You decide to help them, thinking, “Once I get them out of the rut, we will be together.”

But what happens? A few months pass, and when you create a little pressure, they will flip and show you their true self. They might say, “I can’t leave the mother of my children,” pretending to be a victim of their circumstances. They will drag you along, saying things like, “You have all the space you want to date. Go ahead.”

But what about the intensity? You made it feel real. You showed up, which is something a typical narcissist doesn’t do. Even seasoned victims can fall for the tricks of this type of narcissist.

The Emotional Rollercoaster and Plausible Deniability

When you try to move on, they will become jealous. Their abandonment trauma and anxiety will kick in. Suddenly, you will receive calls and messages. They might say, “I have realized I want to be with you. Let’s give it one more try.” You stop pursuing other options and come back, still trauma-bonded and wondering, “What was that? How could I be so close to you, and now I don’t mean anything?”

The bottom line is that this type of narcissist wants you to stay, but not as a permanent partner—rather, they want you as an object or someone they can use for emotional support, like a “mommy” at their disposal.

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