Perfectionism Paralysis
Perfectionism can feel like a double-edged sword. On one side, you want everything to be just right; on the other side, the fear of not getting it right stops you from even starting. This is called perfectionism paralysis, and it’s so common for people who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse. When someone constantly criticizes you or makes you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, it can leave you with this impossible standard for yourself. You might think, “If I can’t declutter perfectly, why bother at all?” As Brené Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, perfectionism is not about striving for excellence; it’s about trying to earn approval. That clutter symbolizes the weight of all those self-doubts and fears of failure. What makes it even harder is that the clutter becomes a constant reminder of the task you’re avoiding, which adds to your stress. But here’s the thing: decluttering doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be progress. Author James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, says the most effective way to achieve progress is to focus on small improvements. Instead of tackling your entire house, start with one drawer or one shelf. Allow yourself to be messy, to make mistakes, and to let go of the idea that everything has to look like a Pinterest board. Each small win builds momentum, and over time you’ll realize that progress, not perfection, is what truly matters.
Now, let’s continue to number four.
Clutter as a Protective Barrier
Letting clutter pile up is like building a fortress, but instead of bricks and mortar, you’re using stacks of old clothes, unopened mail, and random items. After experiencing narcissistic abuse, it’s common to feel the need to shield yourself from more pain. Clutter can subconsciously become that barrier—a way to create a sense of safety and distance from the outside world. Psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin, in his book Rethinking Narcissism, explains that when you’ve been hurt by someone close to you, your brain’s natural reaction is to protect itself. Sometimes that means putting up physical barriers to mirror the emotional walls you’ve already built. The tricky part is that while this clutter might feel like protection, it can also keep you stuck. The same things you use to isolate yourself can make it harder to move forward. It’s like being trapped in a maze you’ve built yourself. But recognizing this pattern is powerful. Remember, you’re allowed to protect yourself, but it’s okay to let some light in.
Now let’s move on to number five.
Seeking Control through Clutter
When your life feels out of control, holding on to stuff can feel like the one thing you can control. After experiencing narcissistic abuse, where someone else dictated how you should think, feel, or act, clutter can become your way of reclaiming power. Even if it’s just deciding to keep an old magazine or a broken mug, it’s your choice, and that can feel oddly comforting. Psychologist Dr. Susan David, in her book Emotional Agility, explains that when people face situations that make them feel powerless, they often turn to small, manageable decisions to regain a sense of stability. Your clutter might seem chaotic, but to you, it represents a form of control you didn’t have in your relationships. The challenge is that this need for control can backfire. As the piles grow, they can start to control you, adding stress instead of relief. It’s like gripping onto a rope too tightly—eventually, it starts to hurt. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to let go all at once. The goal isn’t to lose control, but to shift it—to let go of what weighs you down and create space for things that truly matter. Little by little, you’ll find that real control comes from within, not from the clutter around you.
Are you still with me for number six?
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