A narcissist can poison you with food and still act like they are doing you a favor. Literally, they will hand you a plate and smile. Everyone around will say, “Wow, how lucky you are to have someone who cooks for you.” You will respond with, “Thank you.” Then, a few hours later, your stomach is in knots. It feels weird, or your lips are tingling because—oops!—they forgot you are allergic to peanuts.
Sounds extreme? It’s not. This happens more often than people want to admit.
So why are we even talking about narcissists and cooking? Because narcissism is not confined to grand gestures or emotional abuse in a relationship. It spills and seeps into the everyday: how they speak, how they look at you, how they parent, how they give gifts, and yes, how they cook. What is scary is how their narcissism hides beneath what looks like normal behavior. You only understand the pattern once you have lived it long enough.
Let’s talk about the first habit, shall we?
Weird Habit #1: Uneven Food Distribution
Narcissists distribute food unevenly based on how they feel about you at that moment. This one used to happen a lot in my household. If a narcissist is love-bombing someone—maybe a guest they want to impress, a sibling they are currently favoring, or even a partner they are trying to keep hooked—that person gets the best. They will be served the warmest, most flavorful portion, arranged nicely on a plate with extra care and presentation. It’s like watching a scene from a cooking show.
But if you are the target that week—let’s say you are the scapegoat, the one who spoke back, or simply the one they are projecting their shame onto—you get the scraps: the watery curry, the stale bread, the overcooked rice that has been reheated too many times. You will sit there trying not to show the hurt on your face, pretending that it’s okay, that you do not care. But inside, you will feel that sting, that small but unmistakable message: You do not matter.
The most cruel part? They won’t say anything. They will act completely normal. Sometimes they will even make a joke or gaslight you if you mention it. “It’s just food,” they’ll say. “You’re too sensitive.” But you will notice the pattern repeating over and over. The food becomes a form of reward and punishment, a mirror of how they feel about you in that moment.
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Weird Habit #2: Cooking for Applause
They only cook for applause. One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissists is that they do not do acts of service. That’s not true. They absolutely do, but only when it results in admiration, attention, or power. They will cook when guests are coming over. Suddenly, they are enthusiastic, flipping through recipe blogs, lighting candles, and talking about how excited they are to host. They will make huge batches of lasagna, chocolate lava cakes, and lemon-roasted chicken thighs just to hear the compliments.
And while everyone is complimenting the meal, they will sit there quietly, pretending to be humble, when in reality, they’re soaking in the praise like it’s their oxygen. But when there’s no one around—no guests, no audience, no one to impress—they stop. Food becomes lazy, neglected, and emotionless: frozen pizza, dry toast, canned soup, or nothing at all. You realize their energy was never about feeding people; it was about feeding their ego.
Weird Habit #3: Punishing Through Food
They will use food to punish you without saying a word. This one is dark. It is one of those things that seems minor until you have experienced it over and over again to realize it’s not a coincidence, but a tactic. Narcissists do not always shout or slam doors when they’re mad at you. Sometimes they just make your life uncomfortable quietly, repeatedly. One of the ways they do this is through cooking. They will deliberately make something inedible: too much chili, no seasoning at all, undercooked chicken, a mushy salad, and they will act like everything is fine.
You will take a bite and wonder, “Uh, what happened here?” But if you say anything, they will outright deny it or act offended: “I guess nothing I do is ever good enough for you, is it?” Or worse, they’ll mock you: “I didn’t realize your palate was that sensitive.” It’s not a mistake; it’s a message. You upset them, and this is your consequence. But it is delivered so covertly that if you try to call it out, you look like the crazy one. They are punishing you in a way no one else can see, and that is exactly the point.
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Weird Habit #4: Future Faking with Food
They future fake you through food. This one took me a long time to recognize. Back when I hadn’t yet seen through the mask, when I still hoped things could change, my mother would often use food to reel me in emotionally. She would say things like, “Oh, I’ve been planning to make your favorite dish and those dried tomatoes you love! I might even try that dessert you mentioned the other day.” She would say all of this in front of others, of course—especially people who still saw her as the sweet, generous woman she pretended to be. They would smile, and I would feel a twinge of warmth—maybe even guilt for pulling away emotionally. “Maybe she is trying,” I would think.
But then, I would show up, and nothing would be made. Can you believe that? Sometimes not even a drink of water offered. She would act surprised that I even expected anything, or she would flip it around and say, “I know my son. I know he will eat anything I cook for him with love, won’t you?” And then, like a dog, I would go, “Yes, Mom.” That’s how she had groomed me to be her puppy.
What I eventually realized is that it wasn’t about the food. It was about control. She made promises to pull me close, build anticipation, make me let my guard down, only to disappoint me again. And in front of others, she still looked like she tried. It is such a subtle tactic, but it is devastating because it breaks your ability to trust. It makes you feel foolish for hoping.
Weird Habit #5: Secret Meal Sabotage
They secretly sabotage meals while acting like they are starving themselves. Now, this one is straight out of a psychological thriller. Narcissists will often pretend they’re sacrificing, starving, or too tired to eat. But behind the scenes, they are ordering what they really want.
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From personal experience, they will serve you bland grilled chicken and overcooked vegetables night after night. Then, later, you will hear the microwave beeping. You will find a burger wrapper in the trash. You will smell takeout in the kitchen at midnight. They will claim they are just not hungry. But the truth is, they didn’t care enough to make you a decent meal. You were fed out of obligation, not love. And while you are forcing down dry food, they are treating themselves to the very thing they told you they could not afford or did not have the energy to make.
It is the emotional equivalent of watching someone starve you and then sneak into the pantry at 2:00 a.m. It’s not just selfishness; it’s sadism because deep down, they enjoy knowing you are sitting there eating something they wouldn’t even touch.
If you have ever tried explaining this to someone who has not experienced narcissistic abuse in this way, you probably got the same response: “Oh, you are reading too much into it. It’s just food. Get over it.” But it’s not just food. It’s a mirror of how they treat you—with disregard, with calculation, with emotional distance masked as normalcy. When someone cares about you, they try to nourish you if they can, even in small, clumsy ways. But when someone wants to control you, they will use whatever is available, including your plate.
The pain of this kind of treatment does not come from bad meals. It comes from the emotional starvation it represents. You sit at the table not just hungry for food, but hungry for kindness, consistency, and care. And the narcissist knows that. That is what makes it so cruel. They know what you need; they just choose not to give it. And somehow, they still get to look like the generous one.
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