Let’s talk about number two: apologies from narcissists are hollow. When a narcissist apologizes, it often feels empty, doesn’t it? That’s because, most of the time, their apologies aren’t about making amends; they’re about getting back into the driver’s seat of the relationship. Narcissists use apologies as a tool to smooth things over temporarily, not because they genuinely feel sorry. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of Who’s Pulling Your Strings?, explains this perfectly: narcissists apologize not to acknowledge harm, but to manipulate their way out of consequences. It’s like a performance designed to shift the focus from their behavior and your willingness to forgive. The problem is these apologies lack the depth or accountability needed to rebuild trust. You’ve probably noticed that after their “sorry,” nothing changes. They might return to the same harmful behavior, leaving you in a cycle of hurt and false hope. This is because narcissists often don’t see themselves as the problem; they view the apology as a means to an end, not as a chance to grow. Therapist Shannon Thomas, in her book Healing from Hidden Abuse, describes this as strategic apologies, where the words sound right but the intent is missing. Recognizing this pattern can help you protect yourself emotionally; you don’t have to accept apologies that come with no real change, and it’s okay to set boundaries that prioritize your healing over your need for control.
Now let’s move on to number three: they doubt their sanity. Being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse often makes you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. Narcissists are masters of gaslighting, a psychological tactic designed to make you question your memory, your instincts, and even your sanity. They’ll say things like “that never happened” or “you’re imagining things,” even when you know what you experienced. Over time, this constant invalidation creates confusion, leaving you unsure of what’s real. As psychoanalyst Dr. Robin Stern explains in The Gaslight Effect, gaslighting isn’t just about deception; it’s about making the victim doubt their sense of reality to gain control over them. You’re not crazy; you’ve just been manipulated into thinking you are. What makes it even more challenging is that narcissists mix gaslighting with moments of kindness or affection, which keeps you stuck in a loop of self-doubt. You think, “Maybe I am overreacting” or “Maybe I misunderstood,” because they sometimes show you the version of themselves you want to believe in. This constant back-and-forth creates something trauma experts call cognitive dissonance, where your mind struggles to reconcile the loving person they pretend to be with the manipulative one they indeed are. It’s exhausting and makes it hard to trust yourself. Breaking free starts with acknowledging that your feelings and perceptions are valid, no matter how much they’ve tried to convince you otherwise.
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