Let’s talk about number two: restricted resources. Narcissists often control finances as a way to keep you dependent. They might limit your access to money or make you justify every purchase, even for basic things like cleaning supplies. Imagine needing to ask for approval just to buy a broom or dish soap—it’s exhausting and degrading. Dr. Ramani Dervasula, a clinical psychologist and author of Don’t You Know Who I Am?, explains that narcissists use control over resources to maintain power and dominance in the relationship. This can leave you feeling stuck, unable to manage even the simplest household tasks because you just don’t have the tools or means.
When your needs are constantly dismissed, you start to internalize the idea that you and your environment don’t matter. Over time, this can lead to neglect of your space. Because why bother when you’re being made to feel invisible? It’s not about laziness or lack of willpower; it’s about the emotional toll of constantly fighting for the bare minimum. When the narcissist blocks repairs or upkeep, your space can spiral into chaos, piling on more stress in an already overwhelming situation.
Now, let’s move on to number three: shame-induced avoidance. When you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, shame can take over in ways you don’t always notice right away. It makes you want to hide your feelings, your struggles, and even your living space. You might avoid cleaning or tidying up because it feels like too much to deal with or because the idea of someone seeing your mess brings up overwhelming anxiety. Psychologist Beverly Engel, in her book The Emotionally Abused Woman, explains, “Shame makes you feel as though your very existence is flawed.” So you hide who you are.
That hiding can extend to your home, where avoiding others in the mess becomes a way to protect yourself from judgment. The problem is that this avoidance doesn’t help; it makes everything feel worse. The clutter starts piling up, and every time you see it, it reminds you of all the things you’re not addressing. This feeds the shame, creating a cycle that feels impossible to break.
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