Now let’s continue to number four: forced minimalism or hoarding. Narcissistic abuse often comes with this constant need for control, which can show up in the weirdest ways, even in how much stuff you have. A narcissist might push you toward extreme minimalism, insisting you can only keep the bare minimum and saying things like, “Why do you even need that? It’s useless.” Over time, you start second-guessing your right to own things, feeling guilty for wanting anything beyond what’s necessary.
On the flip side, they might force you to hold on to everything, turning your space into chaos. If you’ve lived with forced minimalism, your space might feel cold and empty. If you’ve been pushed into hoarding, the clutter can feel suffocating, making it hard to know where to start. Both extremes leave you disconnected from your space because it was never fully yours to begin with. As Dr. Gabor Maté points out in The Myth of Normal, trauma disconnects us from our sense of autonomy and control. Reclaiming your space starts with permitting yourself to decide what stays and what goes. Little by little, you can turn it into a reflection of your needs and preferences, rather than someone else’s control.
You shouldn’t miss number five: unhealthy escapism. Reality can feel unbearable when you’ve been through narcissistic abuse. It’s not surprising that you might look for ways to escape, even if just for a little while. Distractions like binge-watching shows, scrolling endlessly on your phone, or sleeping more than usual can feel like a safe way to disconnect from the emotional pain. Dr. Edith Eager, in her book The Gift: 12 Lessons to Save Your Life, says, “Avoidance isn’t freedom; it’s a self-imposed prison.”
While these coping mechanisms might provide temporary relief, they can also lead to neglecting everyday tasks like cleaning or organizing. As a result, your living space gets left in chaos. Seeing the dishes stack up or laundry overflow can make you feel overwhelmed and stuck, reinforcing the need to escape again. However, the more you escape, the more the mess piles up, and the harder it feels to face reality when you snap back to it.
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