There’s a good reason we should strive to have enough good sleep. Sleep is essential for our well-being, not just for physical health but for mental and emotional balance too. Yet for many victims of narcissistic abuse, a good night’s rest can feel like an impossible luxury. “I need more sleep; come back in a month!” If you’ve ever found yourself lying awake, tossing and turning with your mind racing or your body on high alert, you’re not alone. The effects of narcissistic abuse don’t just disappear when the relationship ends; sometimes they linger in ways we don’t even realize.
Today, we’ll explore the hidden causes behind why victims of narcissistic abuse struggle to sleep, shedding light on the complex ways emotional trauma can disrupt your ability to rest. Are you ready for number one?
Intrusive Thoughts: When you’re going through narcissistic abuse, your mind often feels like it’s stuck on repeat, playing the greatest hits of every hurtful thing the narcissist said or did to you. The worst thing is that it usually happens when you’re trying to sleep. Those intrusive thoughts—replays of past arguments, manipulative words, or even gaslighting moments—hijack your peace when you need it most. This mental replay isn’t random either. Experts like Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explain that trauma affects the brain’s ability to feel safe and stay calm. When you have been on the receiving end of manipulative or demeaning behavior, your brain often stays on high alert even long after the abuse has ended. This heightened state can make your thoughts feel louder and more urgent at night because it’s when everything else is quiet. It’s no wonder sleep feels impossible—your mind is busy trying to process the emotional wounds. The key, though, lies in learning to pause that mental replay. Journaling, mindfulness exercises, or even telling yourself, “I don’t have to solve this right now,” can create some space between you and those intrusive thoughts.
Sharing is caring!
Let’s talk about number two: Cortisol Spikes. Have you ever felt like your body is running on high alert even when you’re completely exhausted? That’s what happens when chronic stress from narcissistic abuse messes with your cortisol levels. Cortisol, often called the stress hormone, is meant to help you deal with emergencies, like getting out of the way of a speeding car. However, in a toxic environment where you’re always attacked or manipulated, your body stays in constant emergency mode. Dr. Gabor Maté explains in his book When the Body Says No how long-term stress can hijack your body’s natural rhythms. It makes it hard to relax, let alone sleep. So even when you’re physically in bed, your brain is on guard, scanning for danger like it’s still stuck in survival mode. The problem is that cortisol isn’t just keeping you awake; it’s disrupting your entire sleep-wake cycle. Normally, cortisol levels drop at night to help you wind down, but if you’ve been under constant emotional pressure, they can stay high, leaving you wired instead of sleepy.
Let’s move on to number three: Nightmares. Have you ever woken up from a nightmare feeling like you’re still in the middle of it? For victims of narcissistic abuse, this can happen all too often. Trauma has a sneaky way of showing up in your dreams; it replays painful memories or creates new unsettling scenarios that leave you shaken. These nightmares aren’t just random; they’re your brain’s way of trying to process the emotional chaos you’ve been through. As Dr. Matthew Walker, author of Why We Sleep, explains, dreams act as a form of overnight therapy. But when the trauma is too overwhelming, those dreams can feel more like nightmares. They drag you back into moments you’d rather forget and wake you up abruptly. The problem with these nightmares is that they disrupt your sleep cycle, making it even harder for your body and mind to recover. According to psychologist Francine Shapiro, who developed EMDR therapy, trauma memories are often stored in a fragmented way, and these fragments can come alive in your dreams. Remember, your nightmares are not a sign of weakness; they’re a reflection of the strength it takes to survive and heal from something so difficult.
Sharing is caring!
Now let’s continue to number four: Insomnia. Have you had those nights where no matter how tired you are, your brain just won’t shut off? That’s what insomnia feels like for many victims of narcissistic abuse. Anxiety and depression from constant manipulation and criticism can keep your mind racing with worry or sadness when you’re trying to rest. Anxiety makes you obsess over “what ifs” and replay arguments while depression adds a heavy layer of hopelessness that makes it hard to wind down. What makes it worse is that insomnia isn’t just about struggling to fall asleep; it’s also about waking up in the middle of the night and staring at the ceiling, feeling restless and overwhelmed. The emotional weight of abuse messes with your body’s natural rhythms, leaving you wired but exhausted. Dr. Shelby Harris, a behavioral sleep medicine specialist, suggests focusing on small steps to break the cycle, like creating a consistent bedtime routine or practicing relaxation exercises. She says, “Your body learns what you teach it. If you teach it to associate your bed with worry, it will stay worried.”
Number five: Hyper Awareness of Noise. Have you ever noticed how certain sounds can make your heart race, even if they’re not that loud? For victims of narcissistic abuse, this sensitivity can be intense. Constant stress and fear of conflict can train your brain to be hyper-aware of every noise, like footsteps or a raised voice. Dr. Peter Levine, author of Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, explains that trauma puts your nervous system on high alert and makes you more sensitive to sounds that could signal a threat. So even when you’re safe, your brain struggles to believe it, and every small noise feels like a potential alarm. This hyper-awareness doesn’t just make you jumpy during the day; it follows you into the night. When you’re trying to sleep, your ears seem to magnify every creak or rustle, keeping you awake because your brain thinks it needs to protect you. This can lead to a vicious cycle of exhaustion and anxiety. Simple grounding techniques, like white noise machines or meditative music, can create a sense of calm and help you retrain your mind to trust that not every sound is a warning.
Sharing is caring!
Are you still up for number six: Isolation at Night? Do you feel how the silence at night can sometimes feel deafening? For victims of narcissistic abuse, that stillness can amplify feelings of loneliness and despair. During the day, distractions like work or errands can keep you from dwelling on your emotions, but at night, when everything quiets down, those feelings often hit harder. It’s like the quiet gives your thoughts a megaphone, making you painfully aware of how isolated you feel. Dr. Judith Orloff, author of Emotional Freedom, explains that loneliness isn’t just about being alone; it’s about feeling disconnected. For abuse survivors, this disconnection often stems from the way narcissists isolate their victims. Their abuser cuts them off from friends, family, and even their sense of self. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, recommends small rituals that make you feel less alone, like journaling, cuddling a pet, or even playing soft music to fill the silence. She says, “Self-care is how you take your power back.” By nurturing yourself in these quiet moments, you can replace isolation with safety and comfort.
Let’s keep it moving to number seven: Hormonal Imbalance. Have you ever felt like your body just won’t cooperate, no matter how much you want to rest? Trauma can do that by messing with your hormones, especially the ones that control your sleep. Narcissistic abuse can throw off the balance of serotonin, which regulates mood, and melatonin, which signals sleep. When these neurotransmitters are out of sync, sleep becomes a struggle. Instead of feeling peaceful when you lie down, you might feel restless, anxious, or wide awake. This imbalance isn’t just frustrating; it’s exhausting. According to Dr. Rachel Huda, a leading researcher on trauma, prolonged stress and trauma can cause your body to stay in a hyperaroused state, making it hard for these hormones to do their job. To help rebalance things, small changes can make a big difference. Eating foods rich in tryptophan, like turkey or bananas, getting some sunlight during the day, or practicing mindfulness before bed can help your body start producing the hormones it needs.
Sharing is caring!
Finally, we’re down to number eight: Shifting Sleep Patterns. Constantly adjusting your sleep schedule to accommodate a narcissist can disrupt your body’s natural rhythm. Your circadian rhythm, which helps regulate when you feel awake or tired, relies on consistency. But if you’re always shifting your schedule around, your body gets confused. Dr. Michael Breus, a sleep expert, says your body craves regularity, and when that’s disrupted, it can take a toll on your sleep. This means even if you’re exhausted, you may find it harder to fall asleep or wake up feeling unrefreshed. This disruption can have long-term effects, leaving you stuck in a cycle of poor sleep. It’s like trying to play a song with no rhythm; your body doesn’t know when to be alert or when to rest. The good news is that you can start to reclaim control by setting a regular bedtime, even if it feels hard at first. Small changes like limiting screen time or relaxing before bed can help your body gradually find its rhythm again.
In conclusion, it’s clear that the effects of narcissistic abuse go far beyond just emotional scars; they can disrupt your sleep in ways you might not even realize. Your body and mind are often on edge, making restful sleep a distant dream. But the good news is with awareness and self-care, you can start to heal and reclaim your nights. Whether it’s establishing a routine, seeking support, or allowing yourself to rest, small steps can make a big difference. Remember, you deserve peace, and sleep is a vital part of that healing process. Don’t be too hard on yourself; reclaiming your rest is a journey, but it’s one worth taking.
It’s important to be patient with yourself as you navigate this path. Healing from the effects of narcissistic abuse takes time, but acknowledging the challenges you face in relation to sleep is a powerful first step. Make a commitment to prioritize your well-being and gradually incorporate strategies that can foster a more restful night. By understanding the underlying issues that affect your sleep, you can create a nurturing environment that promotes healing and restoration.
Seek support from professionals, whether that’s a therapist, a support group, or friends who understand your journey. Sharing your experiences can help alleviate some of the burdens and provide you with valuable insights and tools for managing stress and anxiety.
Finally, as you work toward reclaiming your sleep, be sure to celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Each step forward is a testament to your strength and resilience. Embrace the process of healing, knowing that restful nights and peaceful days are within your reach. You are deserving of tranquility, and with time, commitment, and self-compassion, you can achieve the restful sleep that has eluded you for so long.
Sharing is caring!
