If I were to teach you how to make a narcissist chase you, the first thing I would discuss is this: ignore them, don’t care, and watch them unravel. Why? Because they are cursed with what I call “reverse love syndrome.” The more you pull away, the more you disappear, and the more you see them as emotionally unavailable. They come running.
Narcissists do not fall in love with people; they fall in love with the pursuit. They are addicted to the game. The moment you become consistent, loyal, emotionally invested, and available, they lose interest. You stop being exciting to them. You stop being valuable because, in their minds, they already own you. They are twisted in this way.
If you were to step into their world, you would feel like you’re in some alien, unrecognizable territory because they thrive in deprivation. The moment things start to feel mutual, warm, and stable, they panic. That means there is nothing left to conquer, and they are not built to nurture anything. They are built to dominate. For them to stay, you would have to become an incomplete mission, an unsolved mystery, a half-open door. They can never fully walk through something that always keeps them guessing.
Why Narcissists Crave the Chase
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At the core of every narcissist is a belief system they will never admit to—a quiet gut-level certainty that they are not capable of being loved, that something about them is unworthy, defective, or too dangerous to be seen. Instead of facing that fear, they build a false self. You know, a carefully constructed image designed to mask the shame: the charming partner, the confident entrepreneur, the spiritual healer, the loving parent—the misunderstood whatever they need to be to get admiration.
But no matter how polished the mask is, they know it’s fake. And because they know it is fake, they also believe that everyone else is fake too. They cannot believe in love because they themselves are not real in the way they show up.
The Narcissist’s False Self and Fear of Intimacy
So when someone genuinely cares for them, they feel confused, suspicious, and terrified because to receive love, they would have to reveal what is behind the mask. And that is not an option because what is behind the mask isn’t healed, whole, or real. It is a wounded child, frozen in time—a version of themselves they buried long ago just to survive.
Now here’s the twisted part: the paradox of empathy and control. They want what you have—your empathy, your warmth, your depth, and your emotional availability. They also hate you for it. It’s crazy because you remind them of everything they gave up just to protect their ego. You become both the object of their craving and the symbol of their failure. Such a paradox.
That’s why they chase you when you pull away—not because they miss your heart, but because your distance challenges their belief that they are unlovable. If you do not want them, they must get you because, in their mind, that would prove they are still desirable, still powerful, and still in control.
So what do they do? They chase, they beg, they perform, they love-bomb. But the second you soften, the second you come close and give in, the spell breaks. Because now they have got you. And if they have got you, you are no longer a threat, no longer exciting, and no longer a challenge. There is no thrill; you are just another person they fooled into thinking they are worth it.
They do not know how to feel intimacy or how to experience it. They only know how to chase it. When you give them real love, you give them something they do not have the nervous system to handle—something they have never seen modeled, something their subconscious mind was never taught to feel safe in. So they destroy it, naturally out of their fear, which manifests as their malice.
Real intimacy would require them to step out of the false self, to risk being seen, to stop performing. And that is something most narcissists are simply not willing to do because to be loved, they would have to be reborn. They would have to let the buried child rise again, and for many of them, that is not just painful; it is impossible.
The Narcissist’s Endless Loop
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So what do they do? They stay stuck in a loop. They chase people they cannot have, idolize those who reject them, and discard those who love them. They crave attention, not affection; control, not connection. When someone stops reacting, begging, or explaining, that becomes the ultimate trigger. You are no longer the toy they left on the floor; you are the toy someone else might pick up.
The less you care, the more they panic because their entire identity depends on mattering to someone—being someone’s obsession, taking up space in someone’s mind. When they do not have that, what do they do? They do not know who they are. So when you go quiet, when you stop giving them your emotional energy, they start spiraling. They project, they come back, they provoke, they create drama just to see if you will respond. And when you do, poof—they’re gone. Any reaction from you means they still matter.
What happens if you do not react? They try harder because they’re not chasing love; they’re chasing a mirror. They need you to reflect back to them who they think they are.
Now, I’m not making any of this up. It’s not something I feel; in fact, it was confirmed by a narcissist a long time ago. I had an accidental session with him, and in that session, I asked him what drives him. What makes someone so attractive to him? His response was that if someone is empathetic, influential, powerful, has money, and is hard to get, it excites him. The harder it is to get them, the more motivated he feels to win that trophy.
Because for him, it’s all about bringing them down to his level. And then, when he gets what he wants, he starts hating them. He loses interest. It’s a crazy belief system. He thinks that if they were strong and real, they wouldn’t have fallen for the tricks. Now that they’re there, it simply means they’re weak, and then he moves on to someone else.
Again, they need you to reflect that they’re powerful, desirable, and superior. If you’re not reacting, that reflection disappears, and so do they, because without attention, they cannot survive.
What people do not understand is that narcissists do not leave because they are done; they leave because they assume you will chase them. And when you do not, it throws them into an identity crisis. They will circle back. Your silence has robbed them of their favorite drug—your pain. They crave your confusion, your sadness, your heartbreak. That is what makes them feel important; that is what tells them they still have control.
When you stop feeding it, they come crawling back—not with humility, not with growth, not with a changed heart, but with a fresh performance. This is the moment you have to see clearly. They do not want to fix anything with you; they want to reset the loop. They want to re-enroll you in the story where they are the sun and you revolve around them. That’s why they call, why they show up, why they present those fake apologies, why they cry and beg and promise.
They’re not chasing you; they’re chasing their lost reflection. The second you offer it again, the second you go back to explaining, justifying, hoping they will lose interest, the mirror is back, the control is back. Their belief system is reinforced, the supply is secured, and that means the chase is over. So they drop you again, or they start the same games again, or they emotionally ghost you until you feel worthless. Ultimately, the cycle repeats.
The Power of Indifference
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But if you care less, if you walk away and do not look back, if you grieve in silence—as I always say—and focus on your healing, that is when they go mad. That is when they start lurking on your stories, messaging your friends, or posting cryptic things online, trying to provoke you in any way they can.
You may have seen this, and you truly start to move on in your life. And when you begin a new chapter, that is when all of a sudden, the narcissist will pop up. They will make their presence known spiritually, energetically, or even physically.
What triggers that? Well, they are energy vampires. They are predators, and they sense it. They have that predatory intuition when they feel you are actually closing the chapter and letting go. They feel a desire—a drive—to reel you back in. Ultimately, it’s all about what I just explained: it’s power. It’s about feeling important.
When you remove them from your nervous system, they feel like they are disappearing. Because for a narcissist, being forgotten is worse than being hated, worse than death. Your silence hurts more than your anger. Your indifference wounds them deeper than your rejection because indifference means they do not matter anymore. And that is it for them.
For someone whose entire life is built on the illusion of importance, that is unbearable. Here is what is important to know: they live in a cycle of survival, not growth. So when you stop surviving with them, when you stop shrinking yourself to soothe their ego, when you finally step out of their emotional matrix, that is what makes you dangerous to them.
It is your emotional detachment. It is that inner calm that says, “You do not get access to me anymore.” That is what ends the story for them. They do not know what to do with that because their entire script requires your suffering, your begging. They need your reactions. So when none of that comes, when you refuse to play, they really fall apart. Because if they cannot control you in any way, then they cannot define you. And if they cannot define you, then they have to face who they are without you.
And that is the one thing they’re not willing to do because they’re nothing without you.
Conclusion: Breaking Free from the Narcissist
So yes, let them chase, but do not ever let that chase fool you into believing it is real. Because if someone only wants you when you are gone, they never really wanted you. They wanted the feeling of getting to you, and when they get it, they’re done.
Let them run in circles. You’re not the lesson they get to keep learning from. You are the one that got away. Never look back. That is what I want you to know, what I want you to embody, and what I want you to carry forward.
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