At the core of every narcissist is a belief system they will never admit to—a quiet gut-level certainty that they are not capable of being loved, that something about them is unworthy, defective, or too dangerous to be seen. Instead of facing that fear, they build a false self. You know, a carefully constructed image designed to mask the shame: the charming partner, the confident entrepreneur, the spiritual healer, the loving parent—the misunderstood whatever they need to be to get admiration.
But no matter how polished the mask is, they know it’s fake. And because they know it is fake, they also believe that everyone else is fake too. They cannot believe in love because they themselves are not real in the way they show up.
The Narcissist’s False Self and Fear of Intimacy
So when someone genuinely cares for them, they feel confused, suspicious, and terrified because to receive love, they would have to reveal what is behind the mask. And that is not an option because what is behind the mask isn’t healed, whole, or real. It is a wounded child, frozen in time—a version of themselves they buried long ago just to survive.
Now here’s the twisted part: the paradox of empathy and control. They want what you have—your empathy, your warmth, your depth, and your emotional availability. They also hate you for it. It’s crazy because you remind them of everything they gave up just to protect their ego. You become both the object of their craving and the symbol of their failure. Such a paradox.
That’s why they chase you when you pull away—not because they miss your heart, but because your distance challenges their belief that they are unlovable. If you do not want them, they must get you because, in their mind, that would prove they are still desirable, still powerful, and still in control.
So what do they do? They chase, they beg, they perform, they love-bomb. But the second you soften, the second you come close and give in, the spell breaks. Because now they have got you. And if they have got you, you are no longer a threat, no longer exciting, and no longer a challenge. There is no thrill; you are just another person they fooled into thinking they are worth it.
They do not know how to feel intimacy or how to experience it. They only know how to chase it. When you give them real love, you give them something they do not have the nervous system to handle—something they have never seen modeled, something their subconscious mind was never taught to feel safe in. So they destroy it, naturally out of their fear, which manifests as their malice.
Real intimacy would require them to step out of the false self, to risk being seen, to stop performing. And that is something most narcissists are simply not willing to do because to be loved, they would have to be reborn. They would have to let the buried child rise again, and for many of them, that is not just painful; it is impossible.
The Narcissist’s Endless Loop
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