Let’s start with a plain acknowledgment that I’m sure most of you would nod your heads and say, “Yeah, I’ve had that happen.” If you have an ongoing relationship with a narcissist, you’re also going to encounter their anger—just plain and simple. They just can’t stop themselves.
Let’s keep in mind that narcissism is a pattern on a spectrum, implying a high need for control and low levels of empathy. They have an attitude of entitlement, are very thin-skinned, and can be manipulative. They want to be the special one in the group.
We should also recognize that each of us can have some inclination toward that narcissistic bent. The healthy among us see it, acknowledge it, and try to keep it contained. Narcissists, however, can run with it until it becomes a way of life for them.
In the same vein, anger can be seen as a pattern on a spectrum. We all have moments where we want to stand up for ourselves in self-preservation of our worth, needs, and convictions. Healthy individuals can keep it on the low end of the spectrum. We stand up for what we need and can maintain appropriate boundaries. Narcissists, though, tend to let their anger run wild, leading to openly aggressive behaviors, rages, and deeply passive-aggressive reactions.
It’s interesting how the pattern of narcissism and the pattern of anger run parallel to each other on the spectrum. They tend to go hand in hand.
Today, I want to discuss some common comments that might provoke a narcissist’s anger. I have identified seven, but there are plenty more. I want you to be aware of when their anger arises in reaction to these comments, so you don’t get sucked into their unhealthy games.
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For example, the first comment you might say is, “You have some serious control issues.” Watch that person squirm when you say that. Most narcissists find it highly offensive, which charges their anger. The implication is that when you tell them they have control issues, they see it as insulting. Deep down, they know that’s not a good way to live. Their offense shows an astonishing lack of self-awareness; they don’t understand how their control comes across. If you call them out on it, they will likely be terribly offended.
I remember one woman whose husband was in my office. He said to her, “You have some serious control issues,” and she pointed her finger at him, speaking sternly, “Oh no, I am not a controlling person! In fact, I am the least controlling person you have ever met.” I thought, “Wow, talk about a lack of awareness.” She was offended by the suggestion of control, which sent her into anger.
Another common phrase you might say is, “I’d like for you to listen to my perspective.” That’s a fair request, but when perspectives differ, narcissists often don’t want to hear it. I had a woman in my office who asked her highly controlling husband if she could share her perspective. He responded, “I don’t need your perspective.” When I tried to intervene, he wagged his finger and said, “Don’t go there.” His anger indicated a deep insecurity; their anger often covers insecurities.
A third comment could be, “We’ve already talked about this.” This can trigger the narcissist’s anger because they may see it as you trying to shut them down. Instead of acknowledging the past discussion, they want to continue rambling on.
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Another phrase you might say—though I don’t recommend it—is, “Do you honestly think I’m that stupid?” If you’ve reached that point, the narcissist will take it as a challenge to their authority and respond with anger, revealing their need to remain superior.
You might also say, “Let’s talk about the last time you made a major blunder.” This comment can provoke defensiveness, as they are not allowed to be criticized. The response will likely be a contest of mistakes, with them refusing to acknowledge their own.
Another comment to avoid is, “What’s wrong with you?” This question rarely elicits a constructive response and typically leads to increased argument intensity.
Lastly, saying, “I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” may express exasperation and imply a potential end to the relationship. Narcissists interpret this as a loss of control, which can provoke their anger.
I’m sure you can think of more comments that trigger their anger. If you want to share some in the comments section, I suspect many would appreciate seeing them.
Remember, there is a healthy form of anger that allows you to establish boundaries and communicate your needs. However, narcissists cannot manage anger in a healthy way, leading to unhealthy self-absorption and anger.
I hope you can maintain your dignity and respect, even when faced with a narcissist’s unhealthy anger. Stand firm in who you are and what you believe, and don’t get caught up in their circular arguments. If they choose not to engage maturely, consider the future of your relationship.
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