Today, we’re going to be talking about something that is frankly quite confounding: the question, “Why do narcissists feel the need to hurt you?”
I know you all have many stories about this. It seems like it’s a game or an exercise for them; it’s almost an automatic reflex. They come at you with such painful and harmful actions. What’s going on? It’s crucial for each one of us to understand that when narcissists are coming toward you in a hurtful and damaging way, they want you to think that all the problems in the relationship are your fault. In doing so, they overlook one enormous truth: they are filled with their own internal chaos and cannot come to terms with it.
A long time ago, not knowing what to do, I referred to it as their emotional incompetence. They decide, “I don’t know how to manage my internal strain, hurt, fear, and bitterness toward others, so I’m going to point at other individuals and make them responsible for my happiness.” I know that’s a nutshell explanation, but that’s what’s going on.
I have a couple of illustrations here from people who are confused because they were attached to individuals who were determined to be derogatory, dismissive, and invalidating. Let’s see if we can understand what they’re going through, and I hope this reflection helps you consider what’s happening in your own life.
The first person writes in and asks, “Why are they so easily threatened? Why would they want to hurt someone on purpose, especially when that person cared about them?” Great questions! Toward the end of my marriage, I found myself actually saying to my ex-husband, “I matter,” and I couldn’t believe I had to say this. I felt like a nobody, which leaves me asking: why is it okay that they matter but no one else does?
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
