Whoever wrote this question went straight to the essence of the problem. When narcissists let you know you don’t matter to them, they are insisting that you have to be a nobody so that they can be a somebody. One concept I’ve written about in the past is what I call the “Significance Principle,” which states that every person wants to feel significant. They want to matter, belong, and have worth, value, and dignity.
The “Significance Paradox” says that the best way to find significance is to help others find theirs. Once I’ve contributed positively to someone’s life, I feel good about myself too—it’s a win-win proposition. Narcissists, however, misunderstand this: they think their significance increases as your significance decreases. Their thinking is competitive and often twisted, leading to a self-absorbed and pessimistic mindset.
Here we have the person who felt like they had much to give but continually received the message that they didn’t matter. The biggest mistake is wondering, “What did I do? What does this say about me?” The reality is that you showed up. If someone else were married to the same narcissist, they would receive the same treatment. Narcissists want you to think this is all about your deficiencies when, in fact, they would behave this way regardless of who is in front of them.
Remember, these individuals carry a great deal of pain. I often describe narcissism as a failure in pain management. This person is treating you disdainfully because they haven’t come to terms with their own deep history of rejection or invalidation.
You might want to sit down with your husband and say, “Hey, can we talk about this?” But often, they resist, feeling it’s too complicated to discuss their flaws. They project their issues onto you.
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