When someone repeatedly tells you that what you saw didn’t happen or that you’re too sensitive, your brain starts rewriting its memories to match their version of the truth. Just like that, you become your own skeptic, arguing against your gut feelings even when they’re screaming at you. This constant second-guessing doesn’t just stay in the past; it follows you everywhere. You hesitate before speaking up, unsure if your thoughts are valid. You replay conversations in your head, wondering if you misunderstood something. Even when people validate your experiences, a part of you still wonders if you made it all up.
But here’s the truth: you weren’t crazy then, and you’re not crazy now. The doubt you feel isn’t proof that you were wrong; it’s proof that you were manipulated. Healing starts when you remind yourself that your instincts are never the enemy; they were just silenced.
Now let’s move on to number three: you see kindness as suspicious. After narcissistic abuse, every nice gesture feels like a setup. Kindness stops feeling like kindness; it starts feeling like bait. You’ve been through it before—someone showers you with compliments, does thoughtful things for you, and makes you feel special until the mask slips. Suddenly, those sweet gestures come with strings attached.
George Simon, author of In Sheep’s Clothing, explains that manipulative people use charm as a tool, not as a genuine expression of care. So now, when someone offers to help you or compliments you, your first instinct isn’t gratitude; it’s suspicion. What do they want? When is the other shoe going to drop? It’s not paranoia; it’s self-protection. The problem is this mindset doesn’t just keep bad people out; it can also block the good ones. Not everyone is playing a long con.
But here’s the truth: not everyone who is kind is trying to control you. Healing means learning to tell the difference between genuine care and manipulation, not assuming that all kindness is a trick.
Let’s continue to number four: you feel like happiness is temporary or fake. Why does happiness feel like the calm before the storm? After narcissistic abuse, even joy comes with a warning label. You’ve been conditioned to expect that good moments are just setups for bad ones. Maybe the narcissist in your life gave you glimpses of kindness only to tear you down right after. So now, when things are going well, you don’t relax; you brace yourself.
This kind of thinking makes it hard to fully enjoy anything. Instead of soaking in the good moments, you mentally prepare for the fall. Psychologist Dr. Rick Hansen calls this negativity bias, where your brain holds on to bad experiences more than good ones as a survival mechanism. But here’s the catch: that constant anticipation of disappointment doesn’t protect you; it just steals your peace. Healing starts when you realize that happiness isn’t a trick. Yes, life has ups and downs, but not every good moment is a setup for disaster. The challenge is learning to sit with joy without fearing it. Real happiness isn’t just about feeling safe; it’s about trusting that you deserve to feel good.
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