If someone is kind, you wonder what their angle is. If you finally reach financial stability, you brace for an unexpected expense to wipe it out. If you feel emotionally safe, you second-guess whether it’s real or just a setup for future pain. Dr. Bruce Perry, co-author of What Happened to You?, explains that early experiences of instability shape the brain to expect more of the same, making calmness feel unfamiliar, even unsafe. But here’s the truth: stability isn’t a trick, and you do deserve it. Healing starts when you recognize that not every peaceful moment is the calm before the storm. Sometimes, safety is real; it just takes time to trust it.
Let’s keep it moving to number seven: you fear being seen. Attention—especially the wrong kind—once brought judgment, criticism, or even punishment. Maybe when you spoke up, you were mocked. Maybe when you succeeded, someone tried to tear you down. Over time, you learned that standing out wasn’t worth the risk. So now, you shrink yourself. You downplay your achievements, avoid speaking your mind, and hesitate to take up space.
Dr. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, explains that when people are repeatedly shamed or criticized, they internalize the belief that success or visibility makes them a target. It’s not that you don’t want to be seen; you’ve just been conditioned to believe that visibility equals vulnerability. But hiding comes at a cost. When you keep yourself small, you don’t just avoid negativity; you also miss out on opportunities, recognition, and meaningful connections.
Dr. Brené Brown says in her book The Gifts of Imperfection that true belonging only happens when we allow ourselves to be seen—really seen. The irony is that the more you fear judgment, the more power you give to those who once made you feel unworthy. Healing starts when you realize that your voice, your success, and your presence are not threats; they are yours to own.
Here comes number eight: you feel responsible for other people’s emotions. When you’ve dealt with a narcissist, you learn that their moods control the entire environment. If they’re upset, you’re walking on eggshells. If they’re pleased, you finally get a moment of peace until the next storm. Over time, you start believing that it’s your job to keep people happy, even at your own expense.
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, author of Who You Were Meant to Be, explains that children of emotionally immature people grow up feeling responsible for the feelings of others because they were trained to anticipate and manage emotional chaos. So now, when someone looks upset, your first instinct is to fix it, even if it has nothing to do with you. It’s exhausting, and it’s not your job. People’s emotions are theirs to handle, not yours. But breaking this habit is tough because it feels like letting go of control.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
