Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her book The Dance of Anger, writes that when you’ve spent your life caretaking other people’s emotions, setting boundaries can feel like an act of betrayal. You might feel guilty for not rushing in to smooth things over. But here’s the truth: real relationships don’t require you to be a constant emotional caretaker. Healthy people don’t expect you to manage their feelings; they take responsibility for their own. And you deserve that same freedom.
Moving on to number nine: you feel uncomfortable with peaceful relationships. Calmness feels wrong when chaos used to be normal. When you’ve lived in survival mode, peace doesn’t feel comforting; it feels suspicious. A healthy, stable relationship might leave you waiting for the catch. You might even create conflict just to feel something familiar.
Dr. Vanita Ma, a clinical psychologist, explains that people who grow up in unpredictable environments often associate calmness with the quiet before the storm. Your brain, wired for self-protection, struggles to accept that not every relationship has to be a battlefield. So instead of enjoying the peace, you brace for an explosion that never comes—or worse, unconsciously provoke one just to regain a sense of control.
But here’s the truth: stability isn’t boring, and peace isn’t a trap. It’s just unfamiliar. Dr. Judith R. Shaw, an expert in trauma recovery, explains that the nervous system adapts to chaos, making tranquility feel unsafe even when it’s exactly what we need. That’s why healthy relationships might seem dull or even suspicious at first. But the problem isn’t the relationship; it’s the past teaching you that love and pain have to coexist. Healing means learning to sit with stability without expecting disaster. Not every calm moment is the buildup to destruction; sometimes, it’s just peace, and you deserve to let yourself trust it.
Finally, we’re down to number ten: you feel like an impostor in your own life. After years of being told you were wrong, overreacting, or simply not good enough, success doesn’t feel real; it feels like an accident. Maybe you landed a great job, built a stable life, or accomplished something meaningful, but deep down, you wonder if you deserve it.
Dr. Valerie Young, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, calls this impostor syndrome and explains that people who have been invalidated in the past often believe their achievements are the result of luck, not ability. Narcissistic abuse conditions you to doubt yourself so much that even when you finally win, you struggle to believe you earned it.
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