Let’s begin with a question. As I ask this question, you may feel a certain kind of confession is required from you: How many times have you looked back on an interaction with a narcissist and thought, “I got hooked”? You might even add the word “again.” I got hooked by their manipulations, attitudes, and condescension, and I was pulled into the game. Does that ever happen to you? It can happen so easily without you realizing it until after the fact.
Typically, you can reflect on your engagements with narcissistic individuals and recognize that we had yet another bad argument that escalated far too quickly, and I participated in it. You might say something like, “I cooperated with them and their desires against my better judgment,” and sure enough, it didn’t play out very well. Or you might think, “I got hooked; they were stonewalling me, and there I was, pleading my case, trying to justify why it was okay, asking them why they had to be so difficult.”
Perhaps your decency and goodness were called into question so strongly that you thought, “I have to make them think well of me,” and you went too far in trying to prove your worth. There are all sorts of ways this can happen, but let’s keep in mind that the goal for narcissists is empowerment. They want to be empowered by you; they love it when they get you hooked into their dysfunction. The more you react to them, the more dysfunctional your responses become, and they think, “This proves I’m the better person in this equation.” Meanwhile, you find yourself wondering, “How did I let myself get pulled in again?”
One of the things I hope you recognize is that narcissists love to bait you. They want to hook you like a prized fish. The more aware you are of their techniques and styles, the more empowered you can become.
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They often convey their manipulations through blame and accusation. They want to whittle down your sense of resolve; that’s one way they can hook you. Sometimes, they’ll attack your character, saying things like, “Nobody believes in you, not even I.” This can easily hook you, as they throw insults and condescending comments your way.
When you’re on the receiving end of this, they may ask loaded questions: “What prompted you to come up with this?” or “What were you hoping to accomplish?” As they ask these questions, they search for weaknesses in your logic. When they find them—and they inevitably will—they’ll jump on you, and before you know it, you’ll be caught up in the agitation that follows.
Sometimes, they may use seduction, promising future benefits: “If you go along with me, everything will work out well.” But once you comply, you realize they were only using you for their temporary gain. Or they might compliment you, saying, “You’re a fine person—now come do my bidding.” Later, you discover it was all fool’s gold; they were manipulating you.
Narcissists have many ways of setting their hooks. They may shun you and withdraw harshly as a punishment, with the intent to make you do what they want. If that works, you might find yourself thinking, “I can’t stand it when they do that to me,” and you fall for it.
They may also gaslight you, creating confusion about your interpretations: “Did that really happen? Are you sure you remember that correctly?” Before you know it, you’re losing your sense of resolve, which is exactly what they want. They aim to create ongoing flustered feelings in you, and as long as they keep you dysregulated, that’s their hook.
If you’ve been around a narcissist for any length of time—whether it’s someone you live with, a family member, or a coworker—you know they will play these baiting games continuously. Part of your frustration is knowing it’s just going to keep coming.
So how can we prevent you from taking the bait? We know they will be who they are, but how can you respond in a way that says, “I don’t want to do this anymore”?
Here are five key points to consider:
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- Recognize Predictability: These individuals are predictable. Look back at your engagements with them and understand that they often try to hook you through insults, shame, or guilt. They do this because they believe it will be successful.
- Accept Unchangeability: Understand that you’re unlikely to prompt them to change their patterns. Your insight does not translate into their change; they don’t operate with good insight.
- Tune into Your Feelings: Reflect thoughtfully on your feelings and reactions. Ask yourself why you respond strongly. Are you driven by fear or insecurity? Understanding your internal landscape will help you respond more effectively.
- Bolster Your Confidence: Build your confidence and stability from the inside out. Instead of trying to get them to understand their behavior so you can feel better, focus on your own healthy habits and what you need to work on.
- Be the Adult: When narcissists try to bait you into their unhealthy games, be the adult in the situation. They’re like playground bullies trying to intimidate. You need to set boundaries and say, “No, I’m not playing that game.”
Narcissists want to feed their ego by making you look foolish. However, there’s a distinction between you and them: narcissists are low-insight individuals, while you can be a high-insight person. You can recognize what’s going on and respond accordingly.
When they throw out the bait, hope you can respond with, “No thanks, I’m good.” You see the hooks behind the bait and choose not to partake.
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