This is not just some abstract sociological idea; it was the lived reality of my childhood. My father was the psychological extension of his own father, his shadow. Every decision in our household, big or small, went through a shadow government made up of my grandfather and my father’s brothers. My mother, despite being the one who cooked for him, cleaned for him, and worked for him, never had a say. Even though she was a covert narcissist, she could not decide where we lived, which school I went to, or whether we took a loan or invested in land. Her voice was always optional, but his father’s was not. His brother’s opinions weren’t; their approval was sacred.
There were times we did not even know what was happening in our own home. My father would hold secrets from us, keeping us in the dark, but his brothers and father knew everything. They were aware; it was a circle of ensnared men, emotionally loyal only to each other, feeding off each other’s sense of importance while treating their wives and daughters like side characters. The women did the work; the men made the decisions. That was the unspoken law, the unspoken rule. They were not leading their own lives; they were performing masculinity for each other. Their masculinity was not real; it was performative—a narcissistic showcase of dominance that heavily relied on how other men behaved toward them. It was never about truth, justice, kindness, or stability; it was always about pride, control, and reputation.
The irony is that these men think they are alpha, but the truth is they’re emotionally neutered. They can’t make a decision without running it through the filter of male judgment. They fear the rejection of other men more than the pain of their own wives, and that makes them codependent on patriarchy in a way that is both pathetic and dangerous.
Now here are some signs of narcissistic behavior—signs that prove this dynamic exists and plays out in real life:
- He downplays his wife’s opinions in front of other men. If she speaks up with a valid point, he will interrupt, joke, or change the subject—not because she is wrong, but because he can’t risk looking like he is being guided by her in front of his male peers.
- His behavior changes when he is around his male circle. He becomes louder, more aggressive, rude, and dismissive of his wife, children, or girlfriend. He plays the role of a hyper-masculine version of himself that does not tolerate emotion, sensitivity, or compromise of any kind.
- He keeps major life decisions between himself and his male relatives. His wife may live in the same house and raise the same children, but she is the last one to know. His father, brother, or friends hear it all first.
- He protects male loyalty over marital loyalty. If his wife is mistreated by one of his male relatives, he will defend the man, not her. He will twist logic, shift blame, or gaslight her into believing she is overreacting.
- He uses women’s labor but never shares power. She can work for him, earn for him, nurture him, and still be denied the authority to make basic decisions. Her contributions are treated as obligations, not assets.
- He idolizes male dominance and thinks femininity is weak. He mocks men who cry and shames women who lead. He sees submission as feminine and therefore disgusting, so he masks all emotion in sarcasm, silence, or rage.
- He gossips with his male circle about his wife, not for advice, but to boost his status—to show he is in control and to perform his superiority. Meanwhile, his wife is clueless that her life is being dissected like a story at a poker table.
- He can’t handle criticism from a woman, which is important, but will tolerate it from a man. If his wife challenges him, he explodes or retreats. But if a man corrects him, he will listen, reflect, or even thank them. That is not sensitivity; it’s hierarchy.
- He does not see his wife as a partner; he sees her as a service provider. Her emotional needs are burdensome, her boundaries are disrespectful, and her intellect is threatening. He does not want an equal; he wants an emotional slave.
- He fears male shame more than emotional failure. If the men in his circle mock him for letting his wife have the upper hand, he would rather destroy the marriage than be seen as weak among those cowardly men.
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