In my many years of counseling people who have had to live with highly narcissistic individuals, one of the things I’ve come to terms with in my counseling office is what to do when they reach a point of saying, “I’m done. I’m finished. This isn’t working. I’m going to have to move on to something else.”
You see, one of the things these people rightly surmise is that when they declare they no longer want to be with that narcissistic person, the narcissist is going to interpret that in a severe way. One of the things they despise is being rejected. Let’s go back and remind ourselves what is primary to the mind and the heart of the narcissist.
Well, the narcissist wants to be extra special. The narcissist wants to be admired; they feel entitled. And when I say they feel that or they want that, that’s probably not a strong enough way to put it. They crave it. They’re like an addict going after their drug of choice. The narcissist’s drug of choice is your supply. You exist to build me up. They want to be superior. They want to be the best and the finest, and they want to be told how terrific they are. They always have to be right, and it’s your job, as far as they’re concerned, to prop that up. And so, when you’re associated with a person like this over a long period of time, it creates misery in you. You know what I’m talking about?
You feel defeated. You get tired of the arguments, the put-downs, the insults, the scorn, and the tense standoffs, and the rejection that comes from them. And so you finally conclude it’s time for me to move on. And I want you to be very aware of what you’re going to face once you’ve drawn that conclusion, so that you don’t get pulled off your game, because they will, in fact, try to throw you off your game.
Now, many times, if a narcissist already senses that you’re pulling away from them, they may actually do the rejecting toward you first as a matter of just kind of doing the first strike. But either way you look at it, when you’re in the place of saying, “I’m going to reject that narcissist mindset, their manner of life. I no longer want to participate,” I want you to have an awareness and an alertness, if you will, to what that person is capable of doing.
Now, first, let’s acknowledge that when you make it clear that you’re finished, you’re done, you need to move on to something else, it’s not going to trigger introspective thinking inside that narcissistic person. You’d like to be able to sit down and talk with that person and say, “You know, there’s some things that do and some things that don’t work in a relationship. Let’s talk about what that might mean.” They can’t think that way with you. So there is no sense of introspection that they’re going to bring to the equation. Instead, they’re going to have a type of shock.
Sharing is caring!
The shock is implied in the notion that says, “How dare you reject me? How dare you come against me? I can’t believe you’re doing something like this.” In other words, they have this mythical thinking that everything’s supposed to be smooth and peachy keen and go their way. And when you say, “No, I’m not doing that anymore,” it’s like, seriously? And they have a hard time believing your truth.
In addition, they’re going to respond with fear. Now, they’re not going to say, “I feel fear.” Instead, they’re going to come across as angry, and they have what we would refer to even as narcissistic rage, and it’s part of what we refer to as their narcissistic injury. They feel hurt. They feel that you’re attempting to damage them. And so they’re highly threatened—that’s the fear part—that you’re no longer going to admire them and you’re no longer going to be their supply. And so they can come out with all sorts of angry reactions and punishment and all the rest.
They’re going to go into self-protective mode. They’re going to do a lot of rationalizing and justifying. “Well, you need to know why I’m the best one here, and I’m smarter than you, and why my way of life is better than what your way of life is. I really do know what’s wisest and best.” And they’re going to justify and rationalize why it’s okay for them to have all of their narcissistic characteristics. And you’re thinking, “Yeah, that’s why I need to get away because you can’t let go.”
They’re going to go into the ridicule mode and more. They can taunt you. They can be real sarcastic in the way that they engage with you. You’ll certainly hear lots of accusations. If you imply, “I find you to be defective,” they’re going to come back with a dozen more defections that they see in you, and they’re just going to come at you with guns blazing, so to speak. They’ll unload heavy criticism on you. Sometimes you’ll be the object of text bombing, all sorts of complaints, and just dredging up things from the past. They simply can’t deal with it.
Basically, we can say another thought is their ears are turned off when you let it be known this is not working. It’s like they have no ability to hear you. Rather than saying, “This gives me some things I need to pay attention to. Tell me more,” they won’t think that way in a million years.
Sharing is caring!
They’re going to illustrate the shallowness of any previous commitment or attachment that they may have had with you. When you let it be known to that narcissist, “I’m not doing this anymore,” they can just turn it off just like that. It’s like, whoa. So now that I’ve let you know that this isn’t working, it’s as though I’m just a complete nobody to that person. And you’ll be despised, and it’s amazing how quickly they can go from being somebody that says, “Okay, you and I are on the same team,” to “I hate your guts, and don’t you ever come into my place ever again.” And they can do that very quickly. They can turn off any kind of loyalty that might have been there with you.
And then sometimes they’ll stalk you, or they’ll just show an unnatural curiosity about where you’re going and who you’re with and what you’re saying next. They may harass you in public. They may try to run a smear campaign. I say all this because it’s important for you to know that when you make that final conclusion, “I need to pull away,” it’s not going to be pretty. You hear people talk constantly when you’re dealing with a narcissist, “Well, just go no contact.” Well, we’re kind of talking here about sometimes you just need to completely pull back, but you also need to be aware of what this does. You’re disturbing that bear that’s going to come at you.
See, let’s understand certain key ingredients about a narcissist for you to prepare your mind for. These are individuals who don’t know how to move forward in a healthy way. They’re unable to take responsibility for their role in problems. They’re unable to learn from their mistakes. They’re unable to process what you feel at all. They’re unable to be humble. Can you think of a narcissist that says, “You know, I felt this coming. In all humility, I need to really think this through?” No, they’re not going to think that way.
They’re unable to be fair-minded or objective. They’re unable to take off their mask. So much of what you’re doing is you’re exposing them as the vulnerable people that they are, and that scares them to death. They’re unable to drop shame-based thinking. They have a lot of shame towards themselves, but of course, they won’t really admit that, but then they put shame on to you. They’re going to hold on to that for dear life.
They’re unable to think in any way other than adversarial. They’re unable to manage ambiguity. They’re unable to be diplomatic. And so when you say, “I’ve had enough. I’m moving forward,” you’ll need to know what you’re up against, and you’ll just kind of need to brace yourself. All of this that I’m saying and then more is going to come at you.
Now, as this begins to eventuate and you’re going through the process of shifting gears and changing your loyalties, I’m hoping that you can not get pulled into the snares of their attacks and all the rest. And there’s kind of this way of thinking that I want to see if you can anchor yourself in. Let me put it to you backwards. What you don’t want to do is you don’t want to think externally primarily. And by that, what do I need to do to make my externals look better and feel better? How do I make that person understand me or know me? In other words, if you can just get that narcissistic person out there to be okay, then you’ll be alright.
Sharing is caring!
Instead, you want to be internal in your drive and in your motivation. Ask yourself from the inside out, why am I needing to move away from this person? And I’m hoping internally that your intrinsic response is, “I can do better, and I deserve better. I’m meant for something more than just being someone’s source of supply. I’m certainly not going to be anyone’s verbal or emotional punching bag.”
And then also, let’s recognize that now in retrospect, you can see that that narcissist is going to keep coming back to you because they sort of assume that they could not control you. It’s almost as though they selected you to be the one that says, “You’re going to do my bidding.” Well, you know what? I’m not going to be your selected source anymore. I am no one’s tool. I’m no one’s source for this erratic kind of life.
You see, I’m free. I’m competent. I’m responsible. I’m reasonable. I’m going to live into my intrinsic value. I’m going to be no one’s source of neurotic living. I’m under no illusion that the narcissist is going to be anything other than narcissistic. I get it. And so I’m hoping that there can be this inside-out mindset that you carry with you that says, if the narcissist feels just terribly injured and they’re going to come at me with all of this fear and threat and anger that comes with them, the bottom line is that makes it even more necessary for me to lean into my healthy way of life. And if the narcissist is unable to be decent and responsible, that’s no longer my problem to have to solve.
When you reject a narcissist, the narcissist is not going to go down easy. I’m it’s sad to say, but there are just times when you have to protect yourself, and in doing so, I hope that you can be committed to your own good thinking, your own good resolve, and that motives, and as you do, I’m hoping that you can get away from that person that creates chaos, and instead you can find your place of well-deserved peace.
Sharing is caring!
