What if I told you that avoiding public displays of affection may be a manifestation of one’s insecurity? Practicing a low-key relationship is different from keeping your partner a secret. I’ve been engaged for six months, and no one even knows I’m dating anyone. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? One is about privacy, while the other is about control. When a narcissist refuses to show affection in public, it’s usually not about personal boundaries; it’s a power move.
Today, we’ll talk about six reasons why narcissists avoid public displays of affection: the hidden power play. Are you ready for number one?
1. They Want to Keep Their Options Open
Even in a committed relationship, a narcissist acts single when others are around. They avoid public displays of affection because keeping things ambiguous benefits them. If they appear unattached, they can still attract attention, flirt freely, and keep potential admirers hooked without technically cheating. Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse, explains that narcissists thrive on keeping doors open, not just with romantic interests but with anyone who might feed their ego. By refusing to show commitment in public, they send a message that they are available, just in case something better comes along. If they never publicly claim you, they can deny responsibility for the relationship whenever it suits them. If you confront them about their behavior, they might gaslight you with lines like, “We’re not that serious,” or “I never said we were exclusive.” Meanwhile, behind closed doors, they might shower you with affection just enough to keep you emotionally invested.
This is classic future faking, a term used by therapist Stephanie Saracino to describe how manipulators make you believe in a commitment that never fully materializes. As a result, you stay loyal to someone who never truly claims you while they keep their options wide open.
2. They Fear Losing Their Mystery
Sharing is caring!
The less you reveal, the more people wonder—that’s the unspoken rule narcissists live by. They thrive on keeping you and everyone else uncertain about where you stand. If they were openly affectionate in public, it would make their emotions too predictable, too clear, and predictability is a narcissist’s worst nightmare because it removes their power. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissism, explains that narcissists create confusion as a way to maintain control. When you’re always guessing, they’re always winning. By keeping their affection private, they ensure that you stay hooked, constantly wondering if you’re special enough to be loved openly.
This constant guessing game strengthens their emotional grip on you. When someone is hot and cold, your brain craves the warmth even more—a psychological effect known as intermittent reinforcement. It’s the same principle that makes gambling addictive: you never know when you’ll win, so you keep playing. A narcissist withholding public displays of affection is doing the same thing. They make their love seem like a rare prize, one that only they decide when to hand out. And if you ever ask why they won’t be affectionate in public, expect a dismissive excuse like, “I just don’t like attention,” even though they seem to love attention in every other aspect of their life.
3. They Use It as a Punishment Tool
Narcissists punish you without saying a single word by withholding affection in public. If you challenge them, set a boundary, or deny them praise, they won’t argue directly. Instead, they’ll make you feel invisible. Suddenly, the hand that once reached for yours stays in their pocket. The kisses and smiles they so freely gave in private are now locked away. This silent punishment isn’t just about hurting you; it’s about reinforcing their power. By controlling when and where they show affection, they keep you anxious and eager to fix whatever imaginary mistake you made. Psychologist Dr. George Simon calls this covert manipulation, where instead of directly addressing an issue, they make you suffer in subtle, deniable ways. You might find yourself over-apologizing, overcompensating, or desperately trying to get back in their good graces, all while they sit back enjoying the emotional turmoil they’ve created.
To a narcissist, love isn’t something they give; it’s something they withhold when it suits them.
4. They See PDA as Performative
Sharing is caring!
Unless it benefits them, a narcissist avoids holding your hand in public but has no problem showing affection when people are watching. That’s because, to them, public displays of affection (PDA) are just another performance. Narcissists don’t express love naturally; they calculate it. If affection doesn’t boost their image or serve a purpose, they see it as pointless. So if there’s no audience to impress, they don’t bother. But the moment PDA makes them look like the perfect partner or earns them admiration, they suddenly become all about it.
This is why you might notice them showering you with affection at social events but acting distant when you’re alone. They’re not expressing love; they’re curating an image. Psychologist Dr. Carol McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, describes this as image management, where narcissists control how others perceive them rather than building real intimacy. If PDA doesn’t serve their ego, they’ll withhold it, making you question your worth. It’s not about you; it’s about control. Once you see through the act, their power play starts to lose its grip.
5. They Think Love Should Be a Secret Power
Narcissists see public displays of affection as a sign of vulnerability, and vulnerability is a threat to their power. Psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone explains in his book The Fantasy Bond that narcissists don’t build real emotional intimacy; instead, they create a bond of control where affection is used as a way to dominate, not connect. If they openly show love, it means they’re exposing a part of themselves, giving you and the world too much insight into their emotions. Instead, they keep affection hidden, doling it out only when it benefits them. Doing this ensures you stay hooked on the rare moments they let their guard down.
This mindset comes from their belief that love should be a controlled resource, not something given freely. If they constantly showed you affection, it would lose its power as a manipulation tool. By keeping their emotions private, they create an illusion of scarcity, making you feel like every rare moment of warmth is special, even if it’s just another calculated move.
6. They Believe PDA is for Normal Relationships, Not Theirs
Sharing is caring!
Narcissists view PDA as something ordinary couples do—people who, in their eyes, are simple, predictable, and beneath them. They often believe they operate on a higher level, where love isn’t about holding hands or kissing in public, but about power, control, and admiration. Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains that narcissists tend to view themselves as special and unique, which means they reject anything that makes them seem like everyone else, including normal healthy displays of affection. To them, love isn’t about connection; it’s about keeping their mystique intact.
This superiority complex allows them to avoid true emotional intimacy. Admitting they want love and commitment would ruin their illusion of being above it all. Instead, they act detached, dismissing PDA as childish or unnecessary, making you feel like the one who’s too needy. As David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage, puts it, “People who fear intimacy often disguise it as disdain for conventional love.” But the truth is their avoidance isn’t about being sophisticated; it’s about protecting their ego.
If a narcissist avoids public displays of affection, it’s not about being private; it’s about power. They want to keep you uncertain, questioning your worth, and craving their approval. In private, they might shower you with attention, but in public, they act distant to remind you that they control the dynamic. Real love doesn’t make you feel hidden or unimportant. If someone truly cares about you, they won’t be afraid to acknowledge you, whether people are watching or not.
So if you constantly feel like a secret instead of a partner, maybe it’s time to stop chasing their validation and start valuing yourself instead.
Sharing is caring!
