The less you reveal, the more people wonder—that’s the unspoken rule narcissists live by. They thrive on keeping you and everyone else uncertain about where you stand. If they were openly affectionate in public, it would make their emotions too predictable, too clear, and predictability is a narcissist’s worst nightmare because it removes their power. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissism, explains that narcissists create confusion as a way to maintain control. When you’re always guessing, they’re always winning. By keeping their affection private, they ensure that you stay hooked, constantly wondering if you’re special enough to be loved openly.
This constant guessing game strengthens their emotional grip on you. When someone is hot and cold, your brain craves the warmth even more—a psychological effect known as intermittent reinforcement. It’s the same principle that makes gambling addictive: you never know when you’ll win, so you keep playing. A narcissist withholding public displays of affection is doing the same thing. They make their love seem like a rare prize, one that only they decide when to hand out. And if you ever ask why they won’t be affectionate in public, expect a dismissive excuse like, “I just don’t like attention,” even though they seem to love attention in every other aspect of their life.
3. They Use It as a Punishment Tool
Narcissists punish you without saying a single word by withholding affection in public. If you challenge them, set a boundary, or deny them praise, they won’t argue directly. Instead, they’ll make you feel invisible. Suddenly, the hand that once reached for yours stays in their pocket. The kisses and smiles they so freely gave in private are now locked away. This silent punishment isn’t just about hurting you; it’s about reinforcing their power. By controlling when and where they show affection, they keep you anxious and eager to fix whatever imaginary mistake you made. Psychologist Dr. George Simon calls this covert manipulation, where instead of directly addressing an issue, they make you suffer in subtle, deniable ways. You might find yourself over-apologizing, overcompensating, or desperately trying to get back in their good graces, all while they sit back enjoying the emotional turmoil they’ve created.
To a narcissist, love isn’t something they give; it’s something they withhold when it suits them.
4. They See PDA as Performative
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