Unless it benefits them, a narcissist avoids holding your hand in public but has no problem showing affection when people are watching. That’s because, to them, public displays of affection (PDA) are just another performance. Narcissists don’t express love naturally; they calculate it. If affection doesn’t boost their image or serve a purpose, they see it as pointless. So if there’s no audience to impress, they don’t bother. But the moment PDA makes them look like the perfect partner or earns them admiration, they suddenly become all about it.
This is why you might notice them showering you with affection at social events but acting distant when you’re alone. They’re not expressing love; they’re curating an image. Psychologist Dr. Carol McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, describes this as image management, where narcissists control how others perceive them rather than building real intimacy. If PDA doesn’t serve their ego, they’ll withhold it, making you question your worth. It’s not about you; it’s about control. Once you see through the act, their power play starts to lose its grip.
5. They Think Love Should Be a Secret Power
Narcissists see public displays of affection as a sign of vulnerability, and vulnerability is a threat to their power. Psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone explains in his book The Fantasy Bond that narcissists don’t build real emotional intimacy; instead, they create a bond of control where affection is used as a way to dominate, not connect. If they openly show love, it means they’re exposing a part of themselves, giving you and the world too much insight into their emotions. Instead, they keep affection hidden, doling it out only when it benefits them. Doing this ensures you stay hooked on the rare moments they let their guard down.
This mindset comes from their belief that love should be a controlled resource, not something given freely. If they constantly showed you affection, it would lose its power as a manipulation tool. By keeping their emotions private, they create an illusion of scarcity, making you feel like every rare moment of warmth is special, even if it’s just another calculated move.
6. They Believe PDA is for Normal Relationships, Not Theirs
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