Today I want to tap into some of the strain and frustration you have in the aftermath of dealing with a strongly narcissistic person. How many times have you walked away from scenarios with that individual thinking, “I hate it when they treat me so poorly”? Nothing—and I mean nothing—that I think, say, or do will make this person indifferent. They don’t get it; they don’t understand me. Then you start thinking, “How in the world did I get suckered into all of their manipulations?” Before you know it, you’re not responding in ways that you like. It’s maddening.
Of course, when you have this sense of futility, the narcissist knows that you’re walking away feeling defeated. In their own perverted way, they take delight in that. One of the things narcissists do is gaslight you. Gaslighting is their way of trying to create dysregulation in you. They especially want you to doubt your own validity and the normality of who you are. They want you to think of yourself as someone who has all sorts of constraints and confusion because it allows them to walk away feeling superior.
Now, there’s one tactic that’s hands down their most favorite: they provoke you into anger and then shame you for feeling angry. They provoke the anger, and then they shame you for having it. Has that ever happened to you? Let me give you a simple illustration.
Suppose you’re talking with someone you live with or someone close to you. As you share your thoughts, opinions, or plans, they might scoff at you, belittle you, or explain how your ideas won’t work in a harsh way. When you ask them to stop, they might say, “Every time I try to say something to you, you’re just so closed-minded. You’re the one creating all the tension here.” They flip it around and say, “You’re just an impossible person. I’m just trying to help.”
This sets up the potential for anger. When you express your frustration, they turn around and say you’re an awful person for feeling that way.
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