Today I want to tap into some of the strain and frustration you have in the aftermath of dealing with a strongly narcissistic person. How many times have you walked away from scenarios with that individual thinking, “I hate it when they treat me so poorly”? Nothing—and I mean nothing—that I think, say, or do will make this person indifferent. They don’t get it; they don’t understand me. Then you start thinking, “How in the world did I get suckered into all of their manipulations?” Before you know it, you’re not responding in ways that you like. It’s maddening.
Of course, when you have this sense of futility, the narcissist knows that you’re walking away feeling defeated. In their own perverted way, they take delight in that. One of the things narcissists do is gaslight you. Gaslighting is their way of trying to create dysregulation in you. They especially want you to doubt your own validity and the normality of who you are. They want you to think of yourself as someone who has all sorts of constraints and confusion because it allows them to walk away feeling superior.
Now, there’s one tactic that’s hands down their most favorite: they provoke you into anger and then shame you for feeling angry. They provoke the anger, and then they shame you for having it. Has that ever happened to you? Let me give you a simple illustration.
Suppose you’re talking with someone you live with or someone close to you. As you share your thoughts, opinions, or plans, they might scoff at you, belittle you, or explain how your ideas won’t work in a harsh way. When you ask them to stop, they might say, “Every time I try to say something to you, you’re just so closed-minded. You’re the one creating all the tension here.” They flip it around and say, “You’re just an impossible person. I’m just trying to help.”
This sets up the potential for anger. When you express your frustration, they turn around and say you’re an awful person for feeling that way.
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Let’s say you’re around this individual again—whether in a family, social, or work setting. If they’re strongly opinionated and stubborn, you might say something like, “You and I just aren’t on the same page.” The tension can be in your tone of voice, and the narcissist might respond, “Every time I try to talk with you about your strong opinions, you come up with stuff like this. You just can’t be pleased; you’re one of the most stubborn individuals I’ve ever met.” This projection creates tension inside you. You’re the one setting it up, and then they shame you for feeling what you feel.
Another scenario might involve a know-it-all or a micromanager. As they sense that you’re not pleased with their behavior, they might give you the silent treatment, becoming non-cooperative and passive-aggressive. When they sense that their actions are causing discomfort, they think, “Great! I set up the possibility for you to be angry, and now I can shame you for feeling that way.”
As I provide these illustrations, you might think of many more. It’s almost impossible to engage in a highly coordinated way with someone who has raw selfishness and manipulation at the core of their personality.
Now, I want to point out some things you can think, say, or do in response to their gaslighting and provoking anger. First, you might be tempted to point out their inconsistencies or hypocrisy. You might say, “If you’re talking to me about my faults, let’s discuss some of the things you’ve done.” But when you do this, you’re jumping into their game. They’re good at it, and they’ll just flip it back on you.
Another option is to go historical and point out things from their past that might explain why they are so agitated. However, they’ll likely respond by saying, “I have a history with you too. Let me point out all the things from your past that make you inappropriate.”
You might also ask loaded questions, like “Why is it always about you?” or “Do you realize how off-base you really are?” But they won’t acknowledge your concerns. They’ve set up the scenario for you to be angry, and that’s what they’ll focus on.
If they provoke your anger, you might collapse emotionally, crying or becoming irritable. They’ll think, “This is working well for me.” Alternatively, you could defend yourself too strongly, trying to explain your thoughts and actions. This only shows the narcissist that your opinion matters to them, giving them more power.
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When you respond to their criticism with counter-criticisms, you’re playing into their game. If you get into a pattern of bickering, using sarcasm, or descending into bitterness, it illustrates to the narcissist that you’re attached to them in an unhealthy way.
The narcissist’s tactic of provoking anger and then shaming you is simple. They draw upon anger and shame because they’ve been exposed to both. If they can create dysregulation in you, it distracts from their own internal pain. They want to make you responsible for their miserable life, and rather than reflect on themselves, they project their issues onto you.
When you realize this is their tactic, pull back and examine the big picture. Understand that this pattern has been ongoing in their life for a long time, and recognize that your success rate in trying to get them to see the light is probably very low. They don’t listen; they don’t care about you.
Prepare for further episodes of this nature. This is a tactic they’ll use repeatedly. Each time they do, rather than responding in the old way, recognize that their tactics don’t work on you. Create a buffer zone between yourself and that individual. Do not look to this person for inner guidance. Focus on your own emotional stability and regulate your anger and shame, as those feelings are not yours to carry.
Seek support from healthy individuals. It’s maddening when they set up a scenario for you to be angry and then turn that anger against you, saying you have real problems. Recognizing their game is crucial.
These are unhealthy individuals who won’t take responsibility for themselves. You need to step back and take responsibility for your own well-being, which may mean distancing yourself from them.
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