Let’s say you’re around this individual again—whether in a family, social, or work setting. If they’re strongly opinionated and stubborn, you might say something like, “You and I just aren’t on the same page.” The tension can be in your tone of voice, and the narcissist might respond, “Every time I try to talk with you about your strong opinions, you come up with stuff like this. You just can’t be pleased; you’re one of the most stubborn individuals I’ve ever met.” This projection creates tension inside you. You’re the one setting it up, and then they shame you for feeling what you feel.
Another scenario might involve a know-it-all or a micromanager. As they sense that you’re not pleased with their behavior, they might give you the silent treatment, becoming non-cooperative and passive-aggressive. When they sense that their actions are causing discomfort, they think, “Great! I set up the possibility for you to be angry, and now I can shame you for feeling that way.”
As I provide these illustrations, you might think of many more. It’s almost impossible to engage in a highly coordinated way with someone who has raw selfishness and manipulation at the core of their personality.
Now, I want to point out some things you can think, say, or do in response to their gaslighting and provoking anger. First, you might be tempted to point out their inconsistencies or hypocrisy. You might say, “If you’re talking to me about my faults, let’s discuss some of the things you’ve done.” But when you do this, you’re jumping into their game. They’re good at it, and they’ll just flip it back on you.
Another option is to go historical and point out things from their past that might explain why they are so agitated. However, they’ll likely respond by saying, “I have a history with you too. Let me point out all the things from your past that make you inappropriate.”
You might also ask loaded questions, like “Why is it always about you?” or “Do you realize how off-base you really are?” But they won’t acknowledge your concerns. They’ve set up the scenario for you to be angry, and that’s what they’ll focus on.
If they provoke your anger, you might collapse emotionally, crying or becoming irritable. They’ll think, “This is working well for me.” Alternatively, you could defend yourself too strongly, trying to explain your thoughts and actions. This only shows the narcissist that your opinion matters to them, giving them more power.
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