When you respond to their criticism with counter-criticisms, you’re playing into their game. If you get into a pattern of bickering, using sarcasm, or descending into bitterness, it illustrates to the narcissist that you’re attached to them in an unhealthy way.
The narcissist’s tactic of provoking anger and then shaming you is simple. They draw upon anger and shame because they’ve been exposed to both. If they can create dysregulation in you, it distracts from their own internal pain. They want to make you responsible for their miserable life, and rather than reflect on themselves, they project their issues onto you.
When you realize this is their tactic, pull back and examine the big picture. Understand that this pattern has been ongoing in their life for a long time, and recognize that your success rate in trying to get them to see the light is probably very low. They don’t listen; they don’t care about you.
Prepare for further episodes of this nature. This is a tactic they’ll use repeatedly. Each time they do, rather than responding in the old way, recognize that their tactics don’t work on you. Create a buffer zone between yourself and that individual. Do not look to this person for inner guidance. Focus on your own emotional stability and regulate your anger and shame, as those feelings are not yours to carry.
Seek support from healthy individuals. It’s maddening when they set up a scenario for you to be angry and then turn that anger against you, saying you have real problems. Recognizing their game is crucial.
These are unhealthy individuals who won’t take responsibility for themselves. You need to step back and take responsibility for your own well-being, which may mean distancing yourself from them.
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