When it comes to sex and identity, narcissists do not have a true sexual self; they have a performative one—a carefully crafted persona that exists not for love, of course, nor for intimacy, but for camouflage. Narcissists use romantic partners not to connect with but to hide their denied sexual orientation. This isn’t just about being closeted; it’s about how you, the partner, become a living, breathing prop in their false reality. You’re not loved or seen. You are not even truly wanted as a partner. You’re used as a decoy, a performance, a billboard that screams, “I am normal” to the world while their inner life remains locked away in darkness. I have created a lot of content around this, but today I want to address five subtle signs that a narcissist is using you to hide their sexuality. Because this is not about simple confusion; this is about being dragged, used, and emotionally violated without ever being told what you’re really a part of.
Sign 1: Obsession with Appearing Normal
They are obsessed with appearing normal or traditional. The biggest sign that a narcissist may be using you to mask their true sexual orientation is their aggressive obsession with being seen as traditional. While on the surface they may act indifferent or say, “I’m just a simple person,” underneath, their entire persona is engineered to follow societal rules so rigidly that it’s unnerving. They parade their heterosexual relationships like trophies. They want to be seen attending weddings, talking about family values, and having children—not necessarily for the joy of it, but because these are the symbols of what is acceptable, what is normal, and what keeps people from asking a lot of questions.
You may notice how they interrupt conversations to brag about their marriage, talk about future plans involving children, or constantly compare themselves to other “normal” couples in ways that feel rehearsed. When LGBTQ+ topics arise, they either ignore them completely or become oddly agitated, making comments like, “Why is this being forced on everyone?” or “I just don’t get why it has to be so public.” They will often say people should live and let live while secretly orchestrating their life to fit perfectly within cultural, religious, or patriarchal norms. They will insist they’re not concerned with what others think, but their entire identity is built around that exact concern. This is not someone living authentically; this is someone hiding, and you are their most critical prop.
Sign 2: Public Possessiveness vs. Private Coldness
Sharing is caring!
Number two: they avoid genuine affection but act possessive to seem interested. Here is where it gets painfully confusing. Unlike typical devaluation, this isn’t just about criticism or disdain; this is about how the narcissist reacts to your physicality. I’m talking about your smell, shape, or body. They may recoil when you hug them from behind, flinch when you kiss them deeply, or subtly grimace when you undress. You may notice how they pull away during intimate moments or become distracted—even annoyed—when you initiate affection. What makes it more confusing is that they will counterbalance this coldness with public possessiveness.
They may post overly romantic photos of you on social media, talk loudly about your chemistry in front of friends, or even brag about your body to others—not because they are truly attracted to you, but because they want to convince themselves and others they are. They may grab your waist when others are watching, whisper exaggerated sexual compliments in public, or even fake jealousy to sell the illusion. Of course, it’s not about connection; it’s about performance. You will feel the difference. Something in their touch feels hollow; something in their attention feels staged. It is propaganda. They do not just reject you privately; they perform desire to cover the truth. Let that sink in.
Sign 3: Caught Watching Same-Sex Content
They get caught watching same-sex content and then gaslight you. This is one of the most obvious signs, as I said, but the way narcissists handle it is textbook. You may stumble upon same-sex explicit content in their browser history, catch a glimpse of apps or secret profiles on their phone, or overhear conversations that clearly imply something hidden. When confronted, the reaction is never one of honesty or vulnerability; it’s always strategy. They will say things like, “Everyone watches stuff like that. It’s just a fantasy. It doesn’t mean anything at all. You’re being paranoid and insecure.”
Rather than admitting curiosity or addressing what you found, they immediately flip the script, accusing you of invading their privacy, overthinking, or even being manipulative for bringing it up. They may even claim you misunderstood what you saw, deny it ever existed, or start crying to guilt-trip you. Can you believe that? Suddenly, you are the one apologizing for uncovering the truth. They will double down by acting more straight than ever, bringing up past sexual encounters, insisting how much they are into you, or suddenly initiating intimacy they otherwise avoid. This is not someone confused about who they are; this is someone who knows but refuses to let you know and punishes you emotionally for getting too close to the truth.
Sign 4: Exaggerating Gender Stereotypes
Sharing is caring!
They exaggerate gender stereotypes to pass as straight. You’ll notice a pattern here: everything is exaggerated. A man like this will go out of his way to be hyper-masculine—frequenting gyms, growing a thick beard, wearing tactical gear, talking about women in crude ways, or bragging about how “alpha” he is. A woman like this may lean heavily into hyper-femininity—exaggerated makeup, curated selfies, dresses, baby voice behavior, or constant talk about motherhood, even when she’s emotionally distant from her own children. These general performances aren’t subtle; they’re theatrical.
They dress the part, talk the part, and behave like characters of what they think real men or real women should be. What is missing, though, is authenticity, vulnerability, and emotional connection. Their performance is their protection. When alone, they may lose all interest in intimacy. They will seem detached, mechanical, and sometimes even hostile. But in public, they turn it up—laughing louder, touching you more, complimenting your appearance like a script they have memorized. You may also find them mocking or degrading people who do not conform to gender roles, almost as a way to reinforce their own performance. But underneath it all, the energy feels drained. It’s like watching a role they’re exhausted from playing but won’t dare stop.
Sign 5: Weaponizing Religion and Family
They weaponize religion and family to erase suspicion. This one is chilling—not because religion is bad, but because how they use it is terrifying. They suddenly become aggressively moral. They start quoting religious texts in casual conversation, lecturing you about gender roles, and condemning LGBTQ+ communities with loud confidence. But what they’re really doing is trying to erase suspicion. The more they speak against it, the more they believe people will see them as the opposite of what they secretly are.
They may insist on taking you to religious events, make long speeches about the sanctity of marriage, or bring up their faith as the reason they could never be gay. They will even gossip about others: “Can you believe he turned out that way?” just to create distance from the possibility that they too could be harboring a secret. In private, they will exaggerate stories about their intimacy with you. They may tell friends how wild your sex life is or how much you desire them. Even if it’s not true, these stories become their camouflage, their proof. And if you have children together, it gets even more performative. They will parade them around like trophies: “See, I’m a family man. I created life. I’m normal.”
They’ll post family photos with captions like “blessed life,” while remaining emotionally unavailable to the very people in those pictures. Their family isn’t a real bond; it’s a stage, a prop, a way to scream, “I’m straight,” without ever having to say it directly.
Conclusion: The Deepest Betrayal
Sharing is caring!
This is not just about closeted sexuality; this is about abuse. Because the moment someone drags you into their lie without your consent and makes you a shield for their shame, that is not just deception; that is emotional violence. You are not crazy for feeling unwanted. I want you to know you’re not paranoid for noticing the disconnect, and you’re not judgmental for questioning why something feels off. The narcissist does not want a partner; they want a cover story. They want to live a double life—one they can show the world and one they can keep hidden.
And you become the unfortunate evidence of their straightness: the childbearer, the public spouse, the fake desire made real through manipulation. It is time to stop blaming yourself, please. Because when a narcissist uses you to hide their sexuality, they are not struggling with who they are. No, they are using who you are to run from it. And that is the deepest betrayal of all—the worst form of betrayal known to mankind.
Sharing is caring!
