Let’s revisit your time with the narcissist before I reveal that. What relationship was that, and how did it affect you? How have you changed forever? You entered that relationship with a toxic narcissistic person without knowing that narcissism existed due to a lack of education. You thought you were just chalking up that relationship to a bad day, meaning that person had some issues and was playing the victim or abusing you, but you couldn’t comprehend it. You kept working for the narcissist and the relationship. Your time, money, energy, effort, love, empathy, status, social circle, finances, and health were all depleting because you gave to a fault. You supported an unproductive relationship.
The narcissist was trying to puncture holes in your canoe so it would capsize as you paddled upstream. Why? Because they had another canoe lined up behind yours to jump onto once they made sure yours didn’t float.
The narcissistic abusive cycle includes these examples and more. It involves a relationship where one person gives everything they can and more, while the narcissist takes and takes, wanting more. They blow up everything they touch throughout their lives. People may say, “You’re being a little dramatic here,” but my experience shows that narcissists think differently. Unlike you, they reason differently and can’t introspect like you. People aren’t accountable like you. Instead of growing, they want to leech off others, take what they have, crumble it like paper when the resources are depleted, and move on to the next source.
I should mention that the new supply is usually a person. Remember that the narcissist was running from a previous relationship into your arms when you were the new supply. After getting what they wanted from you, they’ll run to another person who lacks education, wisdom, or is a toxic narcissist. They may be a recycled person, a former relationship, a high school friend, or someone the narcissist wants to use again. All of these factors contributed to their narcissistic abusive cycle.
Keep in mind that the cycle will continue. The narcissist is the only constant in the abusive cycle. They realize their mental state is trapping them. They know their anxiety-ridden life is a trap. They know they change shape; they know they wear masks to manipulate people. Sometimes they know they’re fake. They want to feel better than you because of that.
When you went home from living with the narcissist under the same roof, you didn’t know what to expect—Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. That planned emotional rollercoaster made the kind of relationship you had never clear. Then, when you Googled “spouse won’t talk to me” or “verbal abuse,” you found a needle in a haystack. You had your first breakthrough. Your journey revealed who you would become and what a narcissist is.
Narcissists didn’t think you’d ever figure out they were narcissists. They never assumed you were smart enough to put two and two together, do research, and do your due diligence—just like they did on you at the start of the relationship.
Return to that point: when did you meet the narcissist? Most likely, they assessed you; they were investigating your motivations. They wanted to know your assets, resources, hopes, dreams, aspirations, goals, background, former romantic relationships, and relationships with parents and siblings. They wanted to research and profile you. One day, they thought, “This person will be my next resource.”
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Whether for a few weeks, months, years, or decades, they would cling to you. If it was romantic, they’d make you fall in love with them or befriend you and keep it going. They got close to you and wanted to abuse, manipulate, and lie about who they were because they were hiding behind a mask. They knew that your health and resources would decline every day you stayed with them. They knew because they had done this repeatedly.
As mentioned, their resources eventually ran out. Perhaps you got sick, lost your job, went bankrupt, or had surgery. That’s when the narcissist usually dumps you and moves on to the other fuel source who has been waiting in the wings almost your whole life. After all of this, the narcissist didn’t think you would put yourself back together.
The narcissist didn’t expect you to heal, process narcissism, practice radical acceptance, and realize you are abundant, beautiful, and a bright shining light—not the narcissist. The narcissist tricked, trapped, and manipulated you into thinking you needed them. It’s the trauma bond— you’ve been lifted and lowered, pushed away and pulled back. It’s an emotional rollercoaster because you were always off balance. You could never stand. You didn’t know who you’d be talking to when you called, texted, or emailed the narcissist. You never had stability.
This wasn’t it. The narcissist intentionally threw you off balance to get you into the trauma bond. The trauma bond is something you weren’t prepared for, and leaving it is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do because you weren’t taught about narcissism in school. The trauma bond surprised you; you struggled to understand why everything was going wrong and found yourself a shell. You were being consumed by the narcissist.
So it went wrong day and night. You thought about them; your response time was too slow to their texts. You’d stop what you were doing and explain what you were doing, going to do, and will do. The narcissist would read your text and respond with “Okay,” or “K,” or “Great.” Sometimes they read the text without responding. Did that happen to you? Comment below. They devalued you because you just reported what you were doing and what you were supposed to do. You were the unpaid helper, the walking apology, and the endless to-do list. You were in that narcissistic fog or the trauma bond and reported back to the narcissist.
It was intentional that you didn’t know better. You were placed here. They devalued you more after placing you there. They became jaded and bored with you. You were captured, so the thrill of the chase and hunt was over. They had you as their Barbie or Ken doll on a shelf, and they were going to take you down and use you, play with you, or get resources from you. You’d be restored to the shelf. Because of this, the narcissist would disappear for hours, days, or weekends. In these relationships, what were they doing? They were either getting your replacement or using other suppliers.
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Other sources of supply can be friends, a group they were in, traveling, a car, an opportunity, or anything else. Fair enough. Narcissistic supply is usually romantic or friendly. Instead of romance, it could be a family member or sibling, etc. However, the narcissist did not expect you to put yourself back together, dust yourself off, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, and figure out what narcissism was, how it affected you, and that you needed to save yourself first.
If you were discarded, my heart goes out to you. Even if the relationship ended on your terms, my heart goes out to you because you were with a toxic person for a long time. The narcissistic abusive cycle is something most people don’t experience, but you have.
You have that needle in the haystack, like all the pine needles behind me on the trees or ground. One pine needle in a haystack unlocked your future and freed you from the toxic narcissistic relationship. The narcissist never wanted to be understood. Your narcissist never wanted you to heal. They never wanted your breakthrough. They never wanted you to explore, discover, and realize that toxic narcissists are not who they say they are. They abuse people, hide behind masks, and keep them in a zombie-like trance. They don’t want to escape, but you escaped. You are healing, learning, growing, and possibly teaching. You are awakening, learning, and empowered. You know you come first, second, and third, not the narcissist.
The narcissist just deceived and trapped you. They didn’t want you to get that needle to unlock the lock, escape the narcissistic fog, heal, and go no contact. Block, delete, and remove all monkeys and people associated with them. Now grasp the message: your narcissist never wanted closure. Unable to provide closure, they can’t introspect, be accountable, or take blame. So they can’t give closure. They believe they do everything right and make no mistakes.
The narcissist makes mistakes every day, like everyone else. Narcissists can’t accept responsibility for their mistakes because their tiny brains won’t let them. Their tiny brains repeat the narcissistic abusive cycle. As I said, only they are constant in that cycle, and they know it. They want to trick and manipulate people into relationships. After getting what they want, they crumble and throw them on the motorway like paper. Because of this, narcissists have few long-term friends. This is why narcissists have few long-term relationships. When the children of the narcissist grow up, they often don’t want anything to do with them or their siblings because they realize they’ve been abused. They don’t like manipulation after hearing the victim card so often; it gets old.
However, they find the needle in a haystack and recover, saying, “That relationship nearly killed me.” Narcissists always fail and will fail in future relationships. They have failed at past relationships, and I can guarantee they are failing at current relationships wherever they are. Narcissists are insatiably hungry for people, things, shiny objects, and new supplies. They know they can never be satisfied, and you do too.
The narcissist never thought you would heal. The answer is that you weren’t expected to survive that relationship. They believed you would never be strong enough to repair yourself. They didn’t think you could tell who they were. They didn’t think you would survive alone after being discarded during a pandemic, multiple surgeries, a mountain of credit card debt, no car, and an inability to function due to isolation. The narcissist used the smear campaign, and your support network exploded without anyone checking on you. Nobody said, “Hey, how are you doing? Do you want to grab a coffee and discuss what happened?” This happened to me and many others.
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This is why narcissists act so easily. They slither away at night or vanish quickly. Why? Because they took what they could. They refuse to sit down, drink coffee, reflect, and be accountable. They can’t because their weak brains prevent it. They’re childlike because of that, so they’re stuck in their own misery and wanted to keep you there too.
Consider what I’m saying. Say you were dumped. Why? What happened? If you were, the narcissist stole everything from you and switched to the new supply. That’s true. Additionally, what did they do? They left you before the narcissist may have tried to hoover you occasionally. Don’t accept a hoover. God bless you if you didn’t get hoovered. Great! That shows you’re strong, healing, and the narcissist has moved on.
Everything I’m sharing was when you were discarded. Consider your lowest point. You were near the bottom. Maybe you went through the dark night of the soul. Maybe you even considered doing things you never thought you would. But guess what? It’s funny that you found the needle in the haystack, learning, using tools, and contributing to the community. You live another day to pay it forward. You are discovering that the relationship nearly destroyed you. It didn’t; it flopped like narcissists always do.
However, note this: it never occurred to the narcissist that you would heal. They didn’t think you could heal because you weren’t strong enough. They thought you were weak, lost without belief, energy, strength, money, support, or anything after all the damage they did to you. They thought you’d never succeed. If you failed, read between the lines. What would they do? That would launch them into the next relationship, and they’d say you were too weak. You’re gone, so every smear campaign they used on you was true.
I hope you grasp that message. The narcissist doesn’t want you to heal—then, now, or in the future. They don’t want you to know how toxic they are. Once you figured them out, you have boundaries. You no longer please others; you can now say no, the strongest word in English. When you decline, you accept yourself. Rejecting narcissists is like repellent; they can’t cope. People dislike it; they can’t prevail. They’ll rage, etc. That’s your superpower—saying no, finding the needle in the haystack, and accepting that relationship was a lifelong lesson.
There was no choice. If you’ve endured toxic relationships, know that you’ve emerged stronger by defeating the cycle of narcissistic abuse. You’ve proven your resilience. Whether you’re thriving or still healing, know that you’re not alone. Remember, the narcissist never expected you to heal, but here you are. Let this be the beginning of your healing journey.
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