And this programming comes from one of the most toxic places of all: the family system. The narcissistic family structure functions like a hive. Everyone plays a role. Everyone protects the same old rotten values. And anything that deviates from those values is marked, beaten down, and humiliated into silence.
These boys are taught from a very young age to see kindness as weakness and service as shameful. They’re taught that nurturing is not masculine, that being attentive is embarrassing, and that any kind of emotional intelligence or sensitivity makes you less of a man. And they do not just learn this by observation; they are drilled into it.
I still remember this moment so clearly from my own life: my little cousin, who was barely two years old at the time, saw his mom sitting in a group of women at a family gathering. He walked over to her with pure innocence, just wanting to sit near her—maybe feel safe, maybe get a hug. And right then, my uncle, his father—a grown man who had no business interfering in that moment of affection—barked at him with disgust, “Don’t go to her! Where are you, G.a.y?”
I will never forget the silence that followed and the laughter—laughter from the elders, the other men, and even some of the women. That poor child shriveled inside himself that day. His face dropped, his little body froze, and something pure and human inside him was crushed. And that’s what it looks like. This generational attack on softness—that’s how these men are made. They aren’t born emotionally shut off; they’re shamed into becoming emotionally useless.
And once they get that shame locked in, they spend the rest of their lives defending it, building a false identity around it, and projecting it onto every woman they meet. They become allergic to helping their partners. Why? Because they equate love with powerlessness, vulnerability with weakness. And in their minds, if they are not dominating, they’re losing.
So helping their woman feels like total submission. They would rather go above and beyond for their male friends, their boss, even strangers online—anyone but the woman who shares their home, their bed, and their life. Why do they do this, though? Because they were never taught that a woman is their equal. They were never shown. They were taught she is a helper, a background character, a cheerleader for his ego.
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