Most, if not all, narcissists rarely say “I love you,” and you’re about to know why. It’s not just forgetfulness or being bad with words; it’s deeper than that. There’s usually a reason that has more to do with control than with love.
“Do you love me?” That’s not the point. “No, that is the point.” “No, it is not.” “That is the point.” “You didn’t answer me.” Let’s break it down together. Here are the nine reasons why narcissists rarely say “I love you” and what it means. Are you ready for number one?
Love implies vulnerability, and that terrifies the narcissist. Saying “I love you” is like handing someone a sword and trusting they won’t stab you. “I love you. I’m totally, completely in love with you, and I don’t care if you think it’s too late; I’m telling you anyway.” Narcissists avoid that kind of vulnerability like it’s a contagious disease. As Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, puts it, “Narcissists fear dependency because they see it as weakness.” To them, love equals emotional risk, and emotional risk is a threat to their carefully controlled image. Deep down, narcissists are like actors who never take off the costume. Saying “I love you” means stepping off the stage and showing the real them, and that’s scary because the real them might not be as perfect, charming, or in control as they want everyone to believe.
Psychologist Eleanor Greenberg explains it this way: narcissists learned early in life that being vulnerable leads to hurt or rejection, so they built walls. Saying “I love you” means lowering those walls, even for a second. And to a narcissist, that feels like a dangerous power shift. They’d rather keep you guessing than risk feeling powerless. After all, if you never say “I love you,” you never have to deal with what happens after those three words.
Let’s talk about number two: narcissists don’t really know what love is. How can someone say “I love you” when they don’t even know what love feels like? Most narcissists didn’t exactly get a crash course in healthy love growing up. Maybe they were raised in homes where love was only shown when they performed—like getting good grades, looking perfect, and making their parents proud. That kind of love isn’t real love; it’s a transaction. So when they grow up, they often don’t know how to give or receive love that’s deep, messy, and unconditional.
That’s why narcissists often confuse drama, passion, or obsession with love. Because real emotional closeness feels foreign, even unsafe. You might notice that a narcissist will shower you with attention, gifts, or grand gestures but then disappear when things get real. That’s because they think love is about performance, not connection. And when you need comfort, empathy, or just someone to sit with you in silence, they’re out. Psychotherapist Shannon Thomas notes in her book Healing from Hidden Abuse that narcissists often mimic emotional expressions they’ve observed, but they rarely feel the emotions themselves in a deep, connected way.
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