So, when they avoid saying “I love you,” it might not always be cruelty; it could just be confusion. They’re standing in the middle of an emotional field without a compass, hoping no one notices they’re lost. And the question for you is: do you want to spend your life trying to teach someone what love is, or finally give it to yourself?
Let’s move on to number three: narcissists avoid accountability. When someone tells you they love you, you naturally expect loyalty, respect, and consistency. You expect them to show up not just when it’s fun but also when it’s hard. It explains why narcissists view saying “I love you” like signing a contract. And they hate contracts they can’t wiggle out of. They only want all the perks of a relationship without the fine print. As Kristen Milstead, author of Why Can’t I Just Leave, puts it, “Narcissists struggle with responsibility because it threatens their sense of superiority and control. If they say they love you and then cheat, lie, or manipulate, you now have a reason to call them out.” And that accountability feels like a trap to them.
So instead of stepping into the emotional grown-up zone, they play it safe by being vague, distant, or emotionally slippery. They’ll give you just enough affection to keep you hanging on but not enough to owe you anything. Once they declare love, it becomes a mirror. You can reflect their actions back at them, and narcissists don’t want to see their own reflection unless it’s filtered through admiration. If saying “I love you” puts them on the hook, they’d rather keep you guessing than risk being accountable. So ask yourself: are you in love with someone, or just stuck in a loyalty trap with someone who refuses to be responsible for your heart?
Now let’s continue to number four: narcissists want you chasing, not resting. When you’re with a narcissist, it can feel like you’re always running after something you can never quite catch. If they told you “I love you” regularly, you’d probably relax. You’d feel safe, secure, and grounded. And that doesn’t work for them. Narcissists feed off the chase because it gives them control. As therapist Beverly Engel, author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, explains, “Abusers keep their victims unbalanced by alternating warmth with cruelty. It’s the uncertainty that creates trauma bonding.”
So by holding back those three little words, they keep you emotionally hungry and always trying harder to please them. You’re constantly waiting for the next emotional high—those rare moments when they do show love or kindness—and that waiting becomes addictive. According to trauma therapist Jim Kberg, narcissists are excellent at creating highs and lows. The inconsistency activates your need to fix the relationship rather than leave it. It’s not that they don’t know how powerful “I love you” can be; it’s that they know it too well. They use it like bait, not a promise. So if you ever wonder why you’re exhausted and anxious around them, ask yourself: are you in love with them or just hooked on the emotional roller coaster they control?
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