You shouldn’t miss number five: narcissists only use “I love you” as a weapon. Have you ever noticed how a narcissist suddenly loves you just when you’re about to leave? That’s not a coincidence; it’s strategy. When a narcissist says “I love you,” it’s rarely about genuine care or connection. Instead, it’s usually a tool to pull you back in, especially if you’ve started to create distance or challenge their behavior. Relationship expert and therapist Ross Rosenberg explains this well in his book The Human Magnet Syndrome. Narcissists use charm, affection, and love bombing to regain control when they feel it slipping. So when you hear “I love you” after an argument or right when you’ve emotionally detached, it’s not sweet; it’s tactical.
This kind of emotional bait keeps you stuck in their cycle. You start to believe that maybe they do care, maybe things will change, but it’s really just manipulation in a nice outfit. According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse, narcissists use kindness like a leash, tightening it just enough so you don’t run. Their version of love is performative and transactional, given only when it benefits them. So if “I love you” always shows up at suspiciously convenient times, trust your gut. That phrase, in their world, isn’t a promise; it’s a pause button on your escape.
Are you still up for number six? Narcissists prefer to show love with grand gestures. Narcissists love a grand gesture, not because they’re overflowing with affection, but because it keeps the spotlight right where they like it—on them. They’ll drop money on a lavish date, plan a surprise trip, or overwhelm you with attention in public. But you barely hear them say “I love you” in a quiet, sincere moment. That phrase requires vulnerability, and vulnerability makes them squirm.
As psychotherapist Eleanor Greenberg explains in Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations, narcissists often have a false self they present to the world—one that’s charming, generous, and impressive—but deep down they’re terrified of being truly seen. Additionally, Nina Brown, author of Children of the Self-Absorbed, explains that narcissists use display tactics to keep others engaged without revealing their own emotional emptiness. So when you’re dazzled by the flash but starving for real connection, you’re not crazy; you’re just caught in the theater of narcissistic affection. Real love isn’t always loud; sometimes it’s just a quiet “I love you” said without an audience, and that’s exactly what they avoid.
Let’s keep it moving to number seven: narcissists think you should just know. If someone truly loved you, wouldn’t they just say it? Well, not if they’re narcissists. Narcissists often act like saying “I love you” is beneath them, like it’s too obvious or unnecessary. They expect you to just know how they feel or how they want you to believe they feel without them having to go out on a limb emotionally. It’s a classic dodge in their minds. If they’re still in your life, still texting back occasionally, or throwing crumbs of affection your way, well, that should be all the confirmation you need, right? But here’s the truth: this “you should just know” nonsense isn’t about love; it’s about power and control. When they keep you guessing, it keeps them in charge. You’re constantly trying to decode their actions, seeking approval, hoping you’re enough. This kind of ambiguity isn’t love; it’s emotional limbo.
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