Psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson puts it bluntly in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: emotionally unavailable people often act like their love is implied while withholding the clear signs that make others feel emotionally secure. So if you’re sitting there wondering why they can’t just say it, it’s not you; it’s them dodging intimacy and clarity while keeping you hooked on uncertainty.
Here comes number eight: they fear rejection. What if I say “I love you,” and you don’t say it back? That’s the secret fear whispering inside a narcissist’s mind. Even though they often act like they’re untouchable and overflowing with confidence, deep down they’re terrified of rejection. Saying “I love you” puts them in a vulnerable position, and vulnerability is like kryptonite to their ego. If you don’t respond the way they expect, or if you seem even slightly unsure, it can feel like a personal attack. As Dr. Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher, notes in her book Self-Compassion, people who rely heavily on external validation are the most shattered when that validation doesn’t come. And narcissists live off that external validation buffet. So instead of risking emotional rejection, they play it safe and stay silent. It’s not about protecting you; it’s about shielding themselves. That’s why they’ll often wait for you to say “I love you” first, and maybe even second and third.
Finally, we’re down to number nine: narcissists reserve love for themselves. Have you ever felt like you’re in a relationship with a mirror? With narcissists, you kind of are. They reserve their love, admiration, and energy almost entirely for themselves. Saying “I love you” to someone else feels like handing over power, and they’re not in the business of sharing the spotlight. As therapist Eleanor Pac explains in The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, narcissists tend to view love as something that should orbit around them, not flow from them. So while you’re craving emotional connection, they’re busy admiring their own greatness or fishing for compliments when they’re feeling shaky.
It’s not that they can’t say “I love you”; it’s that they won’t unless it benefits their image. Their love language is control, not care. Instead of nurturing the relationship, they expect you to do all the emotional lifting. It’s like being emotionally ghosted while still physically present. And honestly, the only “I love you” they’re fully comfortable saying is the one in the mirror. You weren’t crazy for noticing the lack of “I love you”; you were picking up on something real. Narcissists often hold back those words because they know how powerful they are, and they use that silence to keep you unsure and chasing approval. But love isn’t meant to feel like a guessing game. You deserve to hear those words and feel safe believing them. Don’t settle for less than the love you deserve.
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