What if I told you that your empathetic and people-pleasing attitude does not attract good people, but bad ones? It sounds unfair, right? That is not fair.
You try to be kind, understanding, and helpful, yet somehow you keep crossing paths with the most manipulative, self-centered people. It’s not a coincidence; there’s a reason narcissists are drawn to empaths and people pleasers like moths to a flame. But once you understand their game, you can stop being their favorite victim and start protecting yourself.
Today, we’ll break down the real reasons narcissists target empaths and people pleasers. Are you ready for number one?
1. Empaths and people pleasers crave harmony. What happens when a wolf finds a lamb that refuses to bite back? That’s the dynamic between narcissists and their prey. If you are an empath or a people pleaser, you crave harmony not because you’re weak, but because you value connection and emotional peace. Narcissists see this as an open invitation to test your limits. They know you’ll second-guess yourself before calling them out, and they’ll use your kindness as both a shield and a weapon. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist specializing in narcissistic abuse, explains, “Narcissists seek out people who will go the extra mile to keep them happy, even at their own expense. You’d rather absorb the discomfort than cause a scene, and they exploit that to the fullest.” That’s why they love empaths and people pleasers.
But here’s the hard truth: the more you try to maintain peace, the more they thrive in the chaos they create. A narcissist doesn’t care about balance; they care about control. The moment you start setting boundaries, they’ll test them, push back, or guilt-trip you into thinking you’re the problem. That’s why the cycle never ends until you decide that keeping the peace isn’t worth losing yourself. Harmony is a beautiful thing, but not when it comes at the cost of your sanity.
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2. Empaths and people pleasers are quick to forgive. How many times do you have to touch fire before realizing it burns the same way every time? That’s the trap empaths and people pleasers fall into with narcissists. If you’re one of them, you want to believe in the good in people, so when a narcissist crosses the line, you convince yourself they didn’t mean to. You tell yourself, “Maybe they were just having a bad day, or they’ll change if I just show them more love.” But here’s the thing: narcissists don’t change; they adapt to keep you in their grip. Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains, “Narcissists exploit kindness by turning it into an endless loop of apologies and justifications. They know you’ll forgive them, so they push boundaries, apologize just enough to keep you hooked, and then do it all over again.” The problem isn’t your kindness; it’s that they see it as a tool rather than a gift. The more you forgive, the less they respect you. The cycle only stops when you realize that forgiveness doesn’t mean handing someone a free pass to keep hurting you. At some point, you have to ask yourself, “Am I giving second chances or permitting them to keep treating me this way?”
3. Empaths and people pleasers internalize blame. If you’re an empath or a people pleaser, you tend to take the blame even when it doesn’t belong to you. Narcissists love this because it lets them off the hook every time they mess up. They twist the story, and suddenly you’re the one apologizing. Dr. George Simon, author of In Sheep’s Clothing, explains, “Manipulators use guilt as a weapon to make you question your own reality.” And that’s exactly what narcissists do. They convince you that if they’re angry, it’s because you provoked them; if they cheat, it’s because you weren’t loving enough. Over time, you start believing that if you could just do better, be better, love better, maybe they’d finally treat you right. But here’s the truth: no amount of self-blame will make a narcissist take responsibility. They thrive on shifting guilt onto you because it keeps you stuck trying to fix problems they created. The more you internalize blame, the easier it is for them to control you. The cycle only stops when you recognize that their behavior is a reflection of them, not you. So the next time you catch yourself apologizing for something you didn’t do, stop and ask, “Would they ever take the blame for me?” If the answer is no, then it’s time to stop carrying their guilt.
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4. Empaths and people pleasers want to fix others. What if the person you’re trying to fix was never broken, just expertly playing the part? As an empath or people pleaser, you don’t just see potential in others; you feel their pain and want to help. Narcissists know this, so they show you just enough vulnerability to trigger your instincts. They’ll drop hints about their tragic past or how no one has ever truly understood them. They make you believe that you can be the one to heal them. The more effort you put into saving them, the deeper you sink into their emotional quicksand.
Here’s the problem: real healing requires accountability, and narcissists refuse to take responsibility for their wounds. Instead, they use your kindness as a tool to keep you trapped. Every time you try to help, they move the goalpost, keeping you stuck in a cycle of proving your love, patience, and devotion. Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, explains, “Manipulative people make you feel like you’re the only one who can truly help them, but in reality, they don’t want help; they want control.” At some point, you have to ask yourself, “Am I helping, or am I just being drained?” Because the truth is, the only person you can ever truly fix is yourself.
5. Empaths and people pleasers derive self-worth from making others happy. If your worth depends on making others happy, what happens when you meet someone who’s never satisfied? That’s the trap empaths and people pleasers fall into with narcissists. You’ve been wired to believe that love, approval, and even your value come from how much you can give. So when a narcissist enters your life, demanding attention, validation, and emotional labor, it feels like a challenge you must win. Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, in The Disease to Please, explains, “People pleasers measure their self-worth by how much they do for others, even at the cost of their own well-being.” And narcissists thrive on this. They set the bar impossibly high, so no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. Instead of appreciating you, they just keep taking because they know you’ll keep trying.
But here’s the harsh truth: no amount of giving will ever fill the black hole of a narcissist’s need for control. The more you try to please them, the more they raise their expectations, keeping you stuck in a cycle of proving yourself. As psychotherapist Beverly Engel puts it in The Nice Girl Syndrome, “Narcissists don’t respect kindness; they exploit it.” You think that if you just love them enough, they’ll finally see your worth. But the truth is, they already see it; that’s why they targeted you in the first place. The only way to break free is to realize that your value isn’t tied to how much you do for others, especially those who take it without giving back. Your worth isn’t something you have to prove; it’s something you have to protect.
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6. Empaths and people pleasers tolerate mistreatment for too long. If you’re an empath or a people pleaser, you tend to rationalize mistreatment. You tell yourself, “Maybe they didn’t mean it.” But narcissists rely on this mindset. They push boundaries little by little, testing how much you’ll accept before you finally break. That’s why instead of leaving, you try harder, giving narcissists exactly what they want: unlimited chances and no consequences. But here’s the ugly truth: the longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave. Narcissists are experts at keeping you trapped, love-bombing you when they sense you’re pulling away, blaming you for their bad behavior, and making you feel guilty for even thinking about leaving. As trauma therapist Shannon Thomas puts it in her book Healing from Hidden Abuse, “Toxic people don’t change; they just get better at manipulating you into staying.” You might believe that if you just endure a little longer, things will get better. But ask yourself, “How much mistreatment is too much?” Because if you’re waiting for a narcissist to finally respect you, you’ll be waiting forever.
7. Empaths and people pleasers are less likely to expose the narcissist. Narcissists target silent-type victims. They know you hate drama and would rather swallow your pain than create a scene. So when they lie, manipulate, or mistreat you, they assume you’ll stay quiet, protecting their reputation while destroying your peace. You don’t want to hurt anyone, so you keep their secrets. You downplay the abuse and convince yourself that exposing them will only make things worse. But in reality, your silence is their shield. The truth is, narcissists don’t fear losing you; they fear being exposed. They thrive in the dark, where their manipulation can’t be seen. But the moment you speak up, their power starts to crumble. As Dr. Leslie Carter, a psychologist specializing in narcissistic abuse, puts it, “Toxic people rely on your silence to continue their games. The best way to beat them is to stop playing.” You don’t have to start a war, but you do have to stop protecting someone who would never do the same for you. Because at the end of the day, keeping their secrets won’t bring you peace; it will only keep you a prisoner.
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8. Narcissists can easily gaslight empaths and people pleasers. Narcissists can mess with your mind so much that you’d apologize for things you didn’t even do. That’s exactly what they do when they gaslight you. And if you’re an empath or a people pleaser, you’re even more vulnerable because you already second-guess yourself. Narcissists twist reality so smoothly that you start wondering, “Did I overreact? Maybe it is my fault.” Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, explains, “Gaslighting works because it makes you question your perceptions, leaving you dependent on the manipulator for a sense of reality.” And that’s the goal: they want you confused, doubting yourself, and looking to them for the truth. The more uncertain you are, the easier you are to control. The worst part is you don’t even realize it’s happening until you’re deep in the fog. One day you’re confident in what you saw, heard, and felt; the next day, you’re apologizing for even bringing it up. Narcissists will say things like, “You’re too sensitive,” or “You always twist my words,” until you start believing it. Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula puts it bluntly: “Gaslighting isn’t about disagreement; it’s about control.” The only way to break free is to trust yourself again. If something feels off, it is off. You don’t need their permission to believe your reality.
9. Empaths and people pleasers are natural givers. What happens when a giver meets a taker who never knows when to stop? As an empath or a people pleaser, you feel good when you help others. You love to give, whether it’s your time, energy, or emotional support. But narcissists only love to take. They take everything: your kindness, your patience, your energy, until you’re completely drained. Dr. Ross Rosenberg, author of The Human Magnet Syndrome, explains, “Empaths and narcissists are drawn to each other like opposite poles of a magnet. One gives endlessly while the other consumes without remorse.” That’s why narcissists target people like you; they know you’ll overextend yourself and keep giving no matter how little they offer in return. The problem is, with a narcissist, there’s no such thing as enough. You could give them all the love, attention, and care in the world, and they’d still act like it’s not enough. They’re not interested in mutual care; they see relationships as a one-way supply chain, with you as the endless provider. As psychotherapist Beverly Engel puts it in The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, “Narcissists don’t appreciate generosity; they exploit it.” The more you give, the more they take, and before you know it, you’re running on empty while they walk away feeling full. At some point, you have to ask yourself, “Am I in a relationship or am I just a never-ending resource?
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10. Empaths and people pleasers fear rejection and abandonment. What’s more terrifying: a toxic relationship or the thought of being alone? If you’re an empath or a people pleaser, the answer might not be as obvious as it should be. You crave connection, and deep down, you fear rejection or abandonment. Narcissists see this as their golden ticket to control. They’ll give you just enough affection to keep you hooked, then pull away the moment you step out of line. Dr. Craig Malkin explains, “Narcissists use abandonment as a weapon, making their victims feel like they have to earn love or risk losing it.” And that’s the trap: you start walking on eggshells, doing everything you can to keep them happy, even if it means losing yourself in the process. The worst part is that the more you fear being abandoned, the more power they have over you. They use silent treatments, sudden coldness, or even vague threats like, “Maybe we’re just not right for each other,” to keep you anxious and desperate to prove your worth. But here’s the truth: real love doesn’t make you feel like you’re constantly one mistake away from being discarded. Narcissists want you so afraid of losing them that you forget you deserve better. But ask yourself, “What’s worse: being alone for a while or staying in a relationship where love feels like a test you’ll never pass?”
At the end of the day, narcissists target empaths and people pleasers because they care and give too much. It makes them the perfect prey for someone who thrives on control. But here’s the thing: once you recognize the game, you don’t have to play. The real power lies in setting boundaries, trusting your instincts, and realizing that your kindness isn’t the problem. The wrong people taking advantage of it are. The moment you stop over-explaining, stop chasing approval, and start valuing yourself as much as you value others, the narcissist loses their grip. And that’s when you finally take your power back.
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