4. Empaths and people pleasers want to fix others. What if the person you’re trying to fix was never broken, just expertly playing the part? As an empath or people pleaser, you don’t just see potential in others; you feel their pain and want to help. Narcissists know this, so they show you just enough vulnerability to trigger your instincts. They’ll drop hints about their tragic past or how no one has ever truly understood them. They make you believe that you can be the one to heal them. The more effort you put into saving them, the deeper you sink into their emotional quicksand.
Here’s the problem: real healing requires accountability, and narcissists refuse to take responsibility for their wounds. Instead, they use your kindness as a tool to keep you trapped. Every time you try to help, they move the goalpost, keeping you stuck in a cycle of proving your love, patience, and devotion. Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, explains, “Manipulative people make you feel like you’re the only one who can truly help them, but in reality, they don’t want help; they want control.” At some point, you have to ask yourself, “Am I helping, or am I just being drained?” Because the truth is, the only person you can ever truly fix is yourself.
5. Empaths and people pleasers derive self-worth from making others happy. If your worth depends on making others happy, what happens when you meet someone who’s never satisfied? That’s the trap empaths and people pleasers fall into with narcissists. You’ve been wired to believe that love, approval, and even your value come from how much you can give. So when a narcissist enters your life, demanding attention, validation, and emotional labor, it feels like a challenge you must win. Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, in The Disease to Please, explains, “People pleasers measure their self-worth by how much they do for others, even at the cost of their own well-being.” And narcissists thrive on this. They set the bar impossibly high, so no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. Instead of appreciating you, they just keep taking because they know you’ll keep trying.
But here’s the harsh truth: no amount of giving will ever fill the black hole of a narcissist’s need for control. The more you try to please them, the more they raise their expectations, keeping you stuck in a cycle of proving yourself. As psychotherapist Beverly Engel puts it in The Nice Girl Syndrome, “Narcissists don’t respect kindness; they exploit it.” You think that if you just love them enough, they’ll finally see your worth. But the truth is, they already see it; that’s why they targeted you in the first place. The only way to break free is to realize that your value isn’t tied to how much you do for others, especially those who take it without giving back. Your worth isn’t something you have to prove; it’s something you have to protect.
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