Let’s move on to number three: they use it as social currency. Narcissists’ kindness always comes with a price tag, and you aren’t usually sure what it is. Yet to them, being seen helping others is like putting coins in the “Look how amazing I am” jar. It’s less about the person they’re helping and more about the image they are crafting. Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains it perfectly: for narcissists, attention is like a drug; they’ll do anything for their next hit, even fake virtue. So when they make that flashy donation or do a grand favor in public, it’s not from the heart; it’s a strategic move to gain admiration, influence, and access. Basically, their generosity is just a business card wrapped in a smile.
Now let’s continue to number four: they want to trigger envy in others. Have you ever seen someone help just to make others wish they were the one being helped? That’s the narcissist’s ego doing a little victory dance. It’s not really about the person receiving the help; it’s about the people on the sidelines thinking, “Wow, they’re so amazing! I wish I had someone like that.” As psychotherapist Sandre L. Brown, author of Women Who Love Psychopaths, points out, “Narcissists thrive on being admired and envied because it makes them feel superior.” So that public act of kindness is more of a flex than a favor. They’re not nurturing connections; they’re staging a scene to ensure everyone sees just how good they are.
You shouldn’t miss number five: it’s part of love bombing or manipulation tactics. Why do narcissists treat you like royalty in public but ghost you emotionally in private? When a narcissist showers you with gifts, compliments, or over-the-top gestures in front of others, it’s not just about making you feel special; it’s about looking like the perfect partner. As Dr. Kristen Milstead, author of Why Can’t I Just Leave, explains, “Love bombing is a manipulative tactic used to gain control, not show love.” So that public generosity is bait; it pulls you in, earns admiration from the crowd, and makes you question your reality when the warmth suddenly vanishes behind closed doors.
Are you still up for number six? They use it to one-up others. Narcissists turn kindness into a competitive sport. They don’t give because they care; they give because they want to win. It’s like they’re running for mayor of morality, and every good deed is a campaign ad. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and author of Don’t You Know Who I Am, puts it, “Narcissists don’t compete to connect; they compete to control.” So when they loudly outdo your small act of kindness with a flashy display, it’s not generosity; it’s a power move. They’re not helping; they’re humbling others, making sure everyone knows who the most impressive person in the room is.
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