Let’s keep it moving to number seven: they fear being exposed as selfish. Narcissists are very aware of their selfish tendencies, but they’ve perfected the art of creating a different image in public. They throw around compliments, make big donations, and play the role of the selfless hero in front of others. This public performance is carefully crafted to earn admiration and ensure people see them as caring, generous, and good-hearted. However, behind closed doors, the true colors of their selfishness come out. In private, they are distant, self-absorbed, and indifferent to your needs. You could be standing in front of them, exhausted and in need of help, and you’ll get nothing in return unless it benefits their ego or puts them in the spotlight.
Dr. George K. Simon, in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, highlights how narcissists use charm and generosity to manipulate others. Their kindness is not about giving or helping; it’s about controlling the narrative. This public display of generosity serves as camouflage, distracting others from the reality of their behavior. As Simon puts it, narcissists don’t give unless there’s an audience; they would never lend a hand unless it’s to enhance their image. This makes it clear that their kindness is always a transaction, one where they expect admiration or validation in return. The moment the audience is gone, so is their interest in anyone but themselves.
Here comes number eight: they don’t actually feel empathy—they perform it. Narcissists may do something nice in front of a crowd but feel totally cold when it’s just you. That’s because narcissists aren’t truly driven by genuine empathy; they’re acting for an audience. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, explains that narcissists have a selective empathy switch. This means they can turn empathy on and off based on what benefits them. So when they’re being generous in public, it’s not about caring for others; it’s a performance meant to boost their image. Behind closed doors, that same empathy switch is often turned off, leaving you to wonder where that kindness went.
Finally, we’re down to number nine: it’s a distraction tactic. Narcissists usually do a grand gesture of kindness right after they’ve been caught doing something shady because they are masters of distraction. According to psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin, narcissists often use big public displays of generosity to divert attention away from their bad behavior. If they’ve been called out for something questionable, they’ll suddenly start showing off how generous they are to others. It’s all a distraction tactic—a sleight of hand to make you forget what just happened and focus on their shiny new act of kindness. In reality, it’s smoke and mirrors with no real intention behind the gesture other than self-preservation.
So now that you know the truth, it’s important to remember that their generosity isn’t really about you; it’s about them. Don’t let their public acts fool you into thinking they’ve changed or that they genuinely care. By recognizing this pattern, you can start protecting yourself from their manipulative games and reclaim your peace of mind.
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