One of the things you will recognize if you’ve been attached to a narcissist for any period of time is that, in the long run, it begins to dawn on you that this person isn’t what they appear to be on the outside. There’s a phoniness that narcissists bring to the equation, and it’s pervasive. These individuals don’t just have phoniness; they are committed to it. They are devoted to a life of phoniness. To them, it works, and they are going to play up on that as much as possible. Their phony elements tend not to be discovered until you’re fairly deep into the relationship.
Sometimes people ask, “What’s the biggest indicator that tells us a person is narcissistic?” We can all have elements of control or selfishness, or sometimes we aren’t as sensitive or empathetic as we want to be. To me, the number one ingredient that indicates we’re dealing with a narcissistic individual is their willingness to exploit others—their willingness to use and manipulate. When a person is deeply entrenched in that mindset, asking, “What are you going to do for me?” and “How can I make you do my bidding?” then you know you’re dealing with someone who has nefarious schemes, and that’s what this phoniness is all about.
Narcissists, especially covert narcissists—although overt narcissists can do this too—can initially come across as very pleasant and friendly. Sometimes they can be quite helpful and seem genuinely interested in who you are. However, later on, you find out they’re data gatherers. They can even come across as your advocate, but as time passes, something inside you starts feeling uneasy. You think, “There’s something off here.” When you look back on your experiences with that person, you’ll begin to see certain tendencies that make you think, “Of course, now I see it,” but in the moment, you don’t.
For example, after being with that phony narcissist, you might look back and recall times when you caught them in lies or inconsistencies. They might say, “I was here,” but later you find out they were at a different place. When you confront them about it, they have a great excuse. They are skilled at doing that. In retrospect, you might think, “Yeah, they were very willing to give helpful advice.” But as you consider it, you realize they didn’t receive advice from anyone; they were always telling others what to do but weren’t learners themselves.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
