One of the things you will recognize if you’ve been attached to a narcissist for any period of time is that, in the long run, it begins to dawn on you that this person isn’t what they appear to be on the outside. There’s a phoniness that narcissists bring to the equation, and it’s pervasive. These individuals don’t just have phoniness; they are committed to it. They are devoted to a life of phoniness. To them, it works, and they are going to play up on that as much as possible. Their phony elements tend not to be discovered until you’re fairly deep into the relationship.
Sometimes people ask, “What’s the biggest indicator that tells us a person is narcissistic?” We can all have elements of control or selfishness, or sometimes we aren’t as sensitive or empathetic as we want to be. To me, the number one ingredient that indicates we’re dealing with a narcissistic individual is their willingness to exploit others—their willingness to use and manipulate. When a person is deeply entrenched in that mindset, asking, “What are you going to do for me?” and “How can I make you do my bidding?” then you know you’re dealing with someone who has nefarious schemes, and that’s what this phoniness is all about.
Narcissists, especially covert narcissists—although overt narcissists can do this too—can initially come across as very pleasant and friendly. Sometimes they can be quite helpful and seem genuinely interested in who you are. However, later on, you find out they’re data gatherers. They can even come across as your advocate, but as time passes, something inside you starts feeling uneasy. You think, “There’s something off here.” When you look back on your experiences with that person, you’ll begin to see certain tendencies that make you think, “Of course, now I see it,” but in the moment, you don’t.
For example, after being with that phony narcissist, you might look back and recall times when you caught them in lies or inconsistencies. They might say, “I was here,” but later you find out they were at a different place. When you confront them about it, they have a great excuse. They are skilled at doing that. In retrospect, you might think, “Yeah, they were very willing to give helpful advice.” But as you consider it, you realize they didn’t receive advice from anyone; they were always telling others what to do but weren’t learners themselves.
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You might also remember that they would draw you in as a confidant and criticize others, not out of concern, but simply because they are critics. And over time, you find out that you’re the next person on the list; you just didn’t know it in the moment. When you look back, you might see that these people are skilled at embellishing their positives and minimizing their negatives. If they do say, “Yeah, I made a mistake,” it’s always someone else’s fault, and it wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t been exposed to bad things. Yet they’ll talk in grandiose ways about all the wonderful things about themselves.
In retrospect, you’ll also notice that they can be erratic in their emotions and behaviors; they are consistently inconsistent. There are times when they just sort of drop off, and you think, “What happened to them?” It may be that they have something they don’t want you to know about. Then, if you discuss problems with them, you’ll notice that if they apologize, it’s often a fake apology—a classic non-apology apology—because they don’t change or adjust their mistakes. It’s like they say what they need to say to get you off their back.
It’s very common that, as you look back on your relationship with that person, they may have idealized you for a while, but over time, they begin to demonize you, just as they do with so many others. It can be really disconcerting when it finally dawns on you: “I’m in the presence of a player. I’m with someone who’s not genuine, who’s not authentic, who’s deceptive and willfully dishonest.” Those are the words that describe phoniness.
You eventually begin to see that they are defined by starting off fast and then ending abruptly. So, a question arises: what is going on inside that narcissist who is so devoted to their fake persona? We call it the false self. How do they get so entrenched in that?
Let me take a quick aside. Every one of us has moments when we think, “I don’t know if I really want to reveal my real self to some people,” only because you don’t know if that person is trustworthy enough or if there’s safety. I’m not suggesting that holding back is always wrong; sometimes you just need to use discernment. But with narcissists, it’s much more than that.
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What makes a narcissist so prone to this phoniness? First, they realize in their earlier years that authenticity comes with too high a price. For example, if they make a mistake and become angry, they think, “A lot of people get angry, and we can talk about it.” But the narcissist learns, “Oh no, if I make a mistake, I’m going to get blistered. It’s not going to be fun or easy; it’s going to ruin my reputation, and I’m going to be ostracized.” Therefore, they develop a history of figuring out how to work around the possibility of being criticized. They want acceptance and a position where they get their way. They have a deep history of fearing invalidation, leading them to suppress much of their true self.
When you have a deep history of suppressing your emotions, what happens? I like to use the illustration of the trash can effect. In your kitchen, you have a trash bag, and you put your trash in it. You might get away with it for a day or two, but as days go by, that trash begins to smell. In your personality, you can have all this emotional trash that you’re suppressing. At first, it feels manageable, but as you keep adding to it without addressing it, it becomes sour and has a negative impact on you. That’s what’s happening with that narcissistic phoniness.
Additionally, these individuals have learned that discipline and guiding values are essentially a rule-based mindset. Their discipline and values are identified by keeping the rules and doing what they’re supposed to do, rather than being character-based. That’s an enormous difference. Their essence is not something they have learned how to address, and they haven’t experienced the freedom to be a mistake-maker.
I remember when I was in college, a friend of mine made a significant mistake. I thought, “If I had made that mistake, I would have been in big trouble.” But when he told me about it, he said, “I had to talk to my dad about it.” I thought, “Oh, that must have been bad.” He said, “Yeah, my dad just kind of walked me through it and shared how his dad handled it.” I thought, “Do people do that?” It was great, but narcissists tend not to have that luxury of someone saying, “Let’s talk; let’s figure this out.” As a result, they don’t feel free to be their real selves. They think, “No, I don’t want to get in trouble.” Over time, they learn to give the appearance of decency, even though behind the scenes, they have a whole lot of other things going on.
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I hope you can see that when you are dealing with a phony narcissist, you are dealing with a game player who has honed those skills for a long, long time—probably decades. You are unwittingly a player on their game board. When you look back, you can see that you’ve been dealing with someone who’s deeply entrenched and devoted to their own phoniness. You may have experienced ongoing gaslighting; they want to keep you confused and don’t want you to trust your impressions. They want to create an impression that you are supposed to buy into, and all the while, as you seek a trustworthy person, you realize this individual is very shady and cloudy. It can feel very disillusioning.
A narcissist’s phoniness is a skill, and they’ve become very good at it. When you say, “Wow, that blows me away,” it’s because hopefully, you haven’t learned that skill as well as they have. So don’t take it personally. You were on the stage with them, but they will move on to the next person and do the same thing. You just happened to be a player on their stage.
Your task is to try to stay away from extremes in making attachments and having reactions to people as you move forward. For example, when someone comes along and tells you how wonderful you are, rather than becoming overly enamored with it, think, “That’s nice, but I’m not going to build my whole self-esteem around it.” That way, when they reject you or prove to be less than you thought, you won’t be as blown away.
Allow for your feelings when you’re in that person’s presence, but take this experience as a lesson learned. Try to become aware of some of the red flags that are there, and cut yourself some slack as you realize that you don’t think like an exploiter—and that’s a compliment.
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