When it is time for a narcissist to discard you once and for all, they do something so twisted and confusing that, for a moment, it makes you think, “Oh, perhaps they’re a changed person. They’re getting better; maybe they are different.” What they do is so shocking that it leaves you feeling completely powerless before them. There are two possibilities racing through your mind: either you can’t fight them anymore, or nothing you do will ever have meaning. What they do is calculated, devastating, and designed to leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about your relationship with them.
The False Reconciliation Trap
Imagine this: you have been through months, maybe years, of emotional warfare—the silent treatments, the gaslighting, the constant criticism, the hot-and-cold behavior that has left you walking on eggshells. You are exhausted, emotionally drained, and part of you knows this relationship is extremely toxic. You may have even started planning your exit or setting boundaries. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, your narcissistic partner does a complete 180. They show up with flowers, write you the most heartfelt letter you have ever received, or have what seems like the most genuine, vulnerable conversation of your entire relationship. They admit their mistakes—not the surface-level “I’m sorry you feel that way” nonsense they usually pull, but real, specific acknowledgments of how they have hurt you. They may say things like, “I’ve been doing some serious thinking, and I realize how badly I have treated you. You did not deserve any of it. I want to be the partner you need me to be; I’m ready to change for real this time.” They may even choose a therapist for you, which happens to be an enabler—something they’ve always refused before. They talk about your future together, make concrete plans that look real, and show you the kind of attention and affection you have been craving for so long. For the first time in forever, you feel seen, heard, and valued by them.
This is not love-bombing; this is something far more sinister. Love-bombing happens at the beginning to hook you. This happens when they’re already planning their exit. It is the false reconciliation trap, and it is perhaps the cruelest thing a narcissist can do. You may wonder why they do this if they are planning to leave anyway. Why put on this elaborate show? Why not just disappear?
Understanding the Narcissist’s Motives
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