The Trap of Good Intentions
At first, I genuinely thought I could help.
They weren’t like the others, I told myself. They were just hurt. Misunderstood. They had walls up, sure — but I believed if I could love them patiently, consistently, and unconditionally, they’d let me in. They’d soften. They’d heal.
What I didn’t understand back then — and what I wish someone had told me — is that narcissists don’t want healing. They want control.
And if you offer them empathy, they won’t meet you halfway. They’ll weaponize it.
I learned that the hard way.
The Beginning Always Feels Magical — That’s the Point
If you’ve ever been with a narcissist, you know how intoxicating the beginning can be. They mirror your values, echo your dreams, and pour affection on you like you’ve finally found “the one.”
It feels like a love story — the kind you write songs about.
But in reality, it’s a tactic called love bombing. The compliments, the intense eye contact, the deep conversations… they’re not signs of emotional intimacy. They’re bait.
You start to bond deeply, while they remain detached. You get addicted to the attention. And once you’re emotionally invested, the mask starts to slip — and the manipulation begins.
Why We Try to Fix Them
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You might wonder: Why did I stay? Why did I try so hard?
Because narcissists are masterful at creating emotional confusion. They don’t hurt you all at once — they hurt you in cycles:
- Kindness, then cruelty.
- Apologies, then denial.
- Promises, then betrayal.
This inconsistency keeps you hooked. You start to believe the “real” version of them is the one who shows up on good days — and that the bad version is just wounded, or stressed, or afraid.
So you try harder. You become more patient. You make excuses. You absorb the blame.
Because you’ve been conditioned to believe that if you can just get it right, they’ll change.
But they won’t.
And here’s what I wish I had truly understood:
1. You Can’t Heal Someone Who’s Addicted to Hurting Others
Narcissists aren’t just broken people in need of love. They’re often people who refuse to take responsibility for their damage — and instead, project that damage onto others.
They don’t want peace. They want power.
So when you try to bring calm, they stir chaos. When you try to speak with honesty, they lie. When you try to create connection, they create confusion.
They thrive on your emotional reactions — whether that’s tears, anger, or silence. Your turmoil feeds their ego. They don’t see your hurt as a warning sign… they see it as proof of control.
2. Love Is Not Enough — Especially with a Narcissist
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This was the hardest truth for me to accept.
I had always believed that with enough love, people could change. That patience was strength. That empathy was the answer.
But with narcissists, love becomes a weapon against you.
The more you give, the more they take. The more you try, the more they let you carry the emotional weight of the entire relationship.
They don’t see your love as a gift. They see it as weakness — and they will exploit it.
3. Narcissists Don’t Want Accountability — They Want Control of the Narrative
If you confront them with something they’ve done wrong, they’ll either:
- Deny it ever happened.
- Blame you for causing it.
- Accuse you of being “too sensitive.”
- Bring up your past mistakes to redirect the blame.
No matter what you say, the conversation becomes about your reaction, not their behavior.
Trying to fix a narcissist means constantly walking on eggshells — carefully phrasing things, tiptoeing around triggers, censoring yourself to avoid “setting them off.”
But here’s the reality: you didn’t break them, and it’s not your job to fix them.
4. The Longer You Stay, the More You Lose Yourself
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The damage doesn’t happen overnight. It happens slowly.
- You stop voicing your needs.
- You second-guess your memories.
- You apologize for things you didn’t do.
- You feel guilt for being hurt.
- You feel fear for speaking up.
And somewhere along the line, you forget who you were before them.
Narcissists don’t just take love — they take identity. And by the time you realize what’s happened, you feel too confused, too broken, or too scared to leave.
That’s how they win. Not with violence, but with erosion.
5. Walking Away Isn’t Cruel — It’s Necessary
I used to believe that giving up on someone was failure. That if I left, I wasn’t loving hard enough. That it made me cold or selfish.
Now I know better.
Walking away from a narcissist isn’t cruel. It’s self-respect.
Staying in a relationship that makes you sick, anxious, or small isn’t loyalty — it’s self-abandonment. And the truth is, the more you try to fix them, the more broken you become.
You don’t need to save them.
You need to save yourself.
Personal Reflection: What I Would Tell My Past Self
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If I could speak to the version of me who believed she could fix a narcissist, I’d say this:
“It’s not your job to heal someone who keeps cutting you open.
You’re allowed to love someone and still walk away.
You’re allowed to put yourself first — that’s not selfish, it’s survival.
You are not weak for caring. But you will grow stronger by letting go.”
The version of you that thinks “maybe this time it will be different” is just the part of you that wants to believe the pain meant something.
It did mean something. It taught you how to choose better next time.
Conclusion: The Healing Begins When the Fixing Stops
Trying to fix a narcissist will drain your spirit, distort your reality, and delay your healing. And worst of all — it won’t work.
Because the person you’re trying to reach isn’t really there. You’re trying to fix a version of them that only existed during the love-bombing phase. That version was never real — it was just bait.
The real version is the one who made you cry for answers, feel guilty for needing affection, and question whether you were “too much.”
If you’re reading this and realizing you’re still trying to fix them — pause.
Ask yourself: What would happen if I turned that energy inward?
What if you started healing yourself instead?
That’s the moment everything starts to change.
Because the truth is:
You were never the problem. You were just the one who cared too deeply — for someone who couldn’t care at all.
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