There’s a common theme you can experience when you’ve been with a narcissist for a significant period of time: you might get along with them pretty well. In some cases, you can get along swimmingly, while in others, you might sense that something is a bit off but find it manageable. Then, something can happen, some sort of tension arises between you and that person, and all of a sudden, you find yourself on their bad list. Something has happened—you’ve said something, done the wrong thing, or that person is just in a bad mood—and boom, the narcissist turns on you with a great deal of vitriol and venom. I have heard so many stories related to this.
It could be that you’ve had a strained relationship with a sibling, but you’ve gotten along okay until something happens at a key moment in your life. That narcissistic sibling can come at you with a lot of harshness, saying, “I was always distrusting of you.” They can be very mean in the way they express it. It can happen at work too; you may be on that person’s good list for a while, but then you hear people say, “I don’t know what I did or how it happened, but now I’m on that person’s bad list, and it’s ugly.”
Many individuals report, “Well, I revealed that I don’t think the same way as them, let’s say, a friend.” When I did that, the person just went off on me, telling me how stupid I was and ripping into me on social media. It’s disillusioning when you realize that you thought you had a relationship that was at least manageable, if not quite good, but something happened, and that narcissist couldn’t sustain it. It turned ugly—fast. In many cases, it’s irretrievable.
What we see here is a classic case of what we call narcissistic collapse. These individuals live with a carefully crafted image, and they can maintain it for a period of time, but they can only keep the facade up for so long. They may try their best to present themselves as decent people, but in the end, you’re left wondering where all this bitterness came from and what’s going on.
It’s interesting when you’ve had that experience where the narcissist has turned on you in a harsh way; you can look back and see some red flags that may have already been there, now magnified. In retrospect, you might realize that person was never 100% comfortable with personal disclosures. As you look back on the disclosures they shared, you may see they were really just complaining about someone else. You might recall that they were a strongly critical individual—not necessarily towards you, but towards others—and finally, it came your turn.
Sharing is caring!
You can also reflect and think, “Yeah, they were hypersensitive to any hint of disagreement or criticism that they might interpret as directed towards them.” When you look back, you might think, “I don’t think I’m the first person this has happened to.” As you examine what’s been going on, you might see that they have had other relationships where the same thing occurred.
Before the collapse, you could tell there was a certain stubbornness and a need for control in that person, whether it manifested as micromanaging or passive-aggressiveness when things didn’t go their way. But then, when a narcissist collapses and comes at you in a rejecting way, it puts their phoniness into focus. You might wonder, “So when you were laughing with me, was that just fleeting or fake? When you were helpful, were you just keeping score? When you said nice things about me, were you just buttering me up? What were you saying about me behind my back?”
As the narcissist turns on you in a harsh and vengeful way, it makes you realize that this person has been sitting on a lot of anger, which you’re now seeing in full force. In retrospect, there must have been a lot going on that caused them to carry frustration, annoyance, and irritability until they finally couldn’t hold it in any longer.
Sometimes, you might see that they were associating you with other people who disappointed them, and they were just ready to explode. In other words, there tend to be reasons for their behavior that are extraneous to you.
The sad thing is, as narcissists go into this collapse and turn on you, they often do all sorts of ugly things. For example, they might reinterpret your good qualities to others, saying, “Oh, you tried to make everyone think you were a nice person, but I know better now.” They can be harsh in their recharacterization of you.
They may try to force you into arguments, accusing you of being stupid or thinking you’re better than you are. When you respond with harshness, they can play the “gotcha” game, seeing it as proof of their perspective. They might even start a smear campaign, alerting others to your supposed flaws.
All of this can lead you into a state of confusion and disbelief. You might wonder how this happened and why, despite your efforts to be a nice person, it doesn’t seem to count. You may want to defend yourself, explaining why they are wrong and you are right. You might point out their inconsistencies, saying, “Hey, if you’re coming down on me, it’s not as though you’re the easiest person to get along with.”
However, once the narcissist has shown their true colors, it all just goes up in the air; they don’t care anymore. When the narcissist turns on you, they reveal they are little more than image crafters. They want you to forget their moments of friendliness and support. From now on, you’re on their enemies list.
Sharing is caring!
There are three words I hope you can hold onto: “So be it.” You need to release yourself from the narcissist’s terrible attitudes, realizing that saying anything won’t change their perspective. You may think, “Okay, I see that narcissist as phony, and they see me as phony; we’re at a standoff. So be it.”
Now you understand that they’ve been sitting on anger and storing resentments—some related to you, some carried over from other relationships. You can say, “So be it.” They’ve declared themselves the victim, even while being offensive towards you. You can acknowledge that, too: “So be it.”
You may have seen them negate your good traits and actions, interpreting them in a very different way. You can accept that: “So be it.” They refuse to recognize their own negative contributions to whatever they’re frustrated about. At some point, you might say, “So be it. You will shame me and ridicule me behind my back, trying to make others agree with your wrong assessment of me.” So be it.
You might see a pattern in their behavior that’s repeated with other individuals. You realize it’s your turn now: “So be it.” They may think that just because they’ve seen some of your flaws, that permits them to look down on you: “So be it.” Their anger may be misattributed to you, but you know better. They want everyone else to think that way too: “So be it.”
What we’re saying is that a narcissist is a ticking time bomb. When you’re around them, you can do your best to bring healthy characteristics to the relationship, and for a while, they might dance with you a bit. But they can’t sustain it. Their selfishness, need for control, and entitlement are too strong.
Acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings when they turn on you, because it’s reasonable to feel disillusioned and hurt. Set your boundaries and decide to be the best version of yourself. If they want to join you, that’s wonderful; if not, lean into your priorities and initiatives anyway. Accept the truth: narcissists are too weak to take responsibility for themselves; they must have a fall guy, and that fall guy is you.
So be it. These individuals are emotional weaklings; they don’t know how to manage complexity well. In the meantime, say “So be it” to them. You can delight in being who you are. When the narcissist says, “I can’t deal with that,” respond with, “That’s your loss, not mine. I’m moving on and continuing to embody dignity, respect, and civility—that’s what I stand for.
Sharing is caring!
