There are three words I hope you can hold onto: “So be it.” You need to release yourself from the narcissist’s terrible attitudes, realizing that saying anything won’t change their perspective. You may think, “Okay, I see that narcissist as phony, and they see me as phony; we’re at a standoff. So be it.”
Now you understand that they’ve been sitting on anger and storing resentments—some related to you, some carried over from other relationships. You can say, “So be it.” They’ve declared themselves the victim, even while being offensive towards you. You can acknowledge that, too: “So be it.”
You may have seen them negate your good traits and actions, interpreting them in a very different way. You can accept that: “So be it.” They refuse to recognize their own negative contributions to whatever they’re frustrated about. At some point, you might say, “So be it. You will shame me and ridicule me behind my back, trying to make others agree with your wrong assessment of me.” So be it.
You might see a pattern in their behavior that’s repeated with other individuals. You realize it’s your turn now: “So be it.” They may think that just because they’ve seen some of your flaws, that permits them to look down on you: “So be it.” Their anger may be misattributed to you, but you know better. They want everyone else to think that way too: “So be it.”
What we’re saying is that a narcissist is a ticking time bomb. When you’re around them, you can do your best to bring healthy characteristics to the relationship, and for a while, they might dance with you a bit. But they can’t sustain it. Their selfishness, need for control, and entitlement are too strong.
Acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings when they turn on you, because it’s reasonable to feel disillusioned and hurt. Set your boundaries and decide to be the best version of yourself. If they want to join you, that’s wonderful; if not, lean into your priorities and initiatives anyway. Accept the truth: narcissists are too weak to take responsibility for themselves; they must have a fall guy, and that fall guy is you.
So be it. These individuals are emotional weaklings; they don’t know how to manage complexity well. In the meantime, say “So be it” to them. You can delight in being who you are. When the narcissist says, “I can’t deal with that,” respond with, “That’s your loss, not mine. I’m moving on and continuing to embody dignity, respect, and civility—that’s what I stand for.
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