Defense #1: Escalation of Tactics
Have you ever seen someone switch gears suddenly, going from zero to full-blown chaos in a matter of seconds? This brings us to the first thing a narcissist will do when they realize they can no longer manipulate you: they escalate their tactics to regain control. When a narcissist thinks they’ve lost their grip on you, they won’t just give up. They can’t stand losing power or control, so instead, they’ll amp up the intensity and try all sorts of different tactics to pull you back in.
Out of nowhere, they’ll have dramatic emotional outbursts, punish you with guilt trips, or even conjure up unimaginable emergencies to bait you into engaging with them. It’s hard to imagine the lengths they will go to escalate these tactics, ensuring you feel pressured, anxious, or obligated to respond. When you’re an empathetic person, you might miss this uptick, thinking that something bad has actually happened or that they’re really in trouble.
This escalation is designed to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong if you don’t respond to them. Remember, this is either a tactic to get you to comply or to intimidate you into behaving. Either way, don’t fall for it. I’ve helped countless clients work through examples of this: a narcissistic mother throwing herself on the floor crying hysterically to elicit her daughter’s pity; a narcissistic boss who came unglued and confronted my client once they stopped being controllable; or a narcissistic husband feigning illness to keep his wife from leaving him.
Regardless of the situation, the underlying motivation of the narcissist is to escalate their attempt to regain control and to overpower their source of narcissistic supply.
Tools for Empowerment
When a narcissist tries to escalate their tactics, use the escalation deflection method to protect your boundaries and maintain control. First, recognize the escalation for what it is—it’s like a toddler, sometimes a very dangerous toddler, throwing a tantrum. Remind yourself that this heightened behavior is not genuine; it’s merely a strategy they’re using to manipulate you. Tell yourself, “This is an act; it’s meant to manipulate me.”
Next, focus on staying emotionally detached when they try to provoke a reaction from you. Do whatever you can to quickly remove yourself from the conversation or situation: walk out of the room, hang up the phone, put your notifications on “Do Not Disturb,” and don’t reply to texts. Disengage completely from any part of the tantrum. Don’t try to talk them down or stabilize their emotions. Remember, they want your attention and emotional energy, so keep your power by refusing to give it to them.
Defense #2: Playing the Victim
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