The second thing a narcissist does when they can’t manipulate you anymore is play the victim to regain your sympathy. They know that you’re a caring and decent person, so when they feel you slipping from their control, they’ll try to portray themselves as a helpless victim. You’ll hear stories about how everyone is against them, how life is so unfair, or how they’re so misunderstood.
The goal here is to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotional state, pushing you to re-engage out of sympathy or pity. What’s really happening, though, is that they’re trying to manipulate your kindness, hoping that you’ll drop your boundaries and come to the rescue. Narcissists know that you’re different from them—they are fragile and selfish, and they don’t care about anyone but themselves.
They want to use you and will try to push the victim button to see if they can elicit sympathy from you. Your attention and energy sustain them. They know that you don’t want others to suffer, and they count on this to regain control over you. It’s hard to imagine how calculated and cruel they can be. My clients have shared horrifically manipulative fabricated stories over the years—lies the narcissist told them about having cancer, going bankrupt, losing their job, or being evicted. Even though my clients knew these stories were meant to coerce them, they could barely withstand their feelings of guilt and obligation.
Tools for Empowerment
When you’re in a situation where a narcissist might be playing the victim to regain your sympathy, use the victimhood deflection method. This method empowers you to maintain boundaries when they start sharing stories of how life is unfair or how everyone is against them. First, recognize this tactic for what it is: a way to weaponize your kindness so they can remain in power.
If you’re not sure, check both options. Ask yourself: How would you handle this if you were sure it was a ploy? Then ask yourself how you’d handle it if you knew for sure their victimhood was merited. Sometimes just seeing it from both sides without immediately reacting will help clarify how involved you want to be. If it’s a ploy, don’t fall for it. Say something like, “I’m not able to help with that,” if it’s the truth. Do what feels right without blurring your boundaries. You can ask them to articulate exactly the type of help they need and then determine if you’re willing to offer that assistance.
Defense #3: Smear Campaign
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
