When you have an ongoing engagement with someone who has a very strong narcissistic bent, keep in mind that they have a high need for control, low levels of empathy, and many exploitative and manipulative behaviors. When you’re in the presence of that person, do you ever get the feeling that, just by my presence here, I’m driving this person crazy? It seems to bring out the very worst in them.
Let’s remember that you’re a player on the stage, and it’s important for you to recognize that the plot is whatever is going on inside their mind. They’re trying to pull you into their narrative, but you are indeed a player on their stage. If you feel like you’re driving that person crazy, I want you to recognize four different issues that the narcissistic individual may be dealing with, which keep them in that crazy-making mode toward you.
As I go through these four issues, I’ll discuss what they do to the inside of the narcissist as they engage with you, and then I’ll address how you might respond when they try to pull you into their game, which is obviously something you don’t want to do.
Let’s get right to it. When we talk about the things that drive narcissists crazy, one of the top issues is disruptions. Narcissists have an agenda; they have a fixed way they think things are supposed to go. This applies whether we’re talking about a covert narcissist, an overt narcissist, or a hedonistic narcissist who is all about pleasure-seeking. They have their agenda, and when you or anyone else comes along and says, “I’m doing things differently,” or “That’s not my timetable,” or “I have other things to take care of first,” they see you as a huge inconvenience.
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Another thing that can drive a narcissist crazy is life’s complexities. Not only can there be disruptions in terms of lifestyle preferences, but there may also be aspects of who you are and how you conduct your life that drive them crazy. Narcissists have a hard time dealing with situations that require a certain amount of blending, empathy, or acknowledgment that things don’t always go their way. For example, lifestyle issues such as stepparent or stepchildren situations can create difficulties during the holidays. In a business setting, they may want to proceed with a project, but there are all sorts of details that need to be addressed. If you suggest that these factors need to be considered, they often resist because they prefer a black-and-white way of thinking.
A third issue that can be crazy-making for a narcissist is inclusion. Life repeatedly shows that there are many different experiences and people with varying political beliefs, religious beliefs, and lifestyle practices. As you engage with life, you may be asked to include individuals with very different experiences. Narcissists, however, resist this. They don’t want to accommodate, as it takes them out of their comfort zone. They prefer to deal with people who are in their “club” and avoid discomfort.
The fourth issue that can be challenging for narcissists is your autonomy. Over time, you may express a desire to make choices for yourself, which can provoke a reaction in them. They may think, “Wait a minute! I’m the one who has the knowledge!” If you assert your autonomy, they may view it as disobedience or rebellion, creating internal panic for them.
So, we have these four issues: disruption, complexity, inclusion, and autonomy. As narcissists struggle to come to terms with these issues, they may have various thoughts running through their minds, including:
- I must neutralize you.
- I must show you who’s boss.
- I must break your spirit.
- I must turn other people’s opinions against you.
- I must exaggerate your mistakes.
- I must remind you of your obligations to me.
- I must keep you from being fully you.
- I must fit you into my mold.
- I must punish you for being separate from me.
- I must have your loyalty.
- I must have the final word.
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When you notice that they are thinking this way, it can create a lot of strain and tension for you. I don’t want you to get pulled into their counterflow.
Here are some thoughts you can maintain to avoid getting caught in their crazy-making while holding onto your own inner strength:
- I make no apology for being me; I embrace all that is unique about myself.
- I will not be crammed into anyone’s mold.
- I will love, accept, and celebrate those whose ideas stretch my mind.
- I will remain in a growth mode, knowing that I am a work in progress.
- I will respond to hatred with decency.
- I will comfort those who have been oppressed.
- I will define myself from the inside out, not as you would prefer.
- I will hear your words, measure them carefully, and then choose my own path.
- I will remember my pain and use it as a force for good.
- I will thrive, I will survive, and I will inspire.
So, when disruptions, complexities, inclusion, and autonomy arise, narcissists may react negatively, but you can use these issues to reflect on the diverse world around you. Instead of being bothered, see them as opportunities to grow stronger and enrich your life.
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